Cut
by Floofeymarshmallow
Summary: A mission where girls are going missing has brought Edward Elric back to his hometown to find out who exactly is doing this. But will the team working with him find out something about him as well? WARNING: Contains self harm! Updates every Wednesday!
1. Chapter 1

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"So, Mustang, what kind of stupid mission are you planning for me to go on next? One that's a waste of my time and won't further my search for the philosophers stone at all, I bet." Edward Elric smirked as he sat down on the couch in Colonel Roy Mustang's office.

"Girls are going missing in Resembool, and since you did such an amazing job at the last one I figured you could be of some help to the investigation team. The train tickets have been purchased for you and your brother, since I know you two are attached at the hip." Mustang said, flipping through a file and placing two train tickets on his desk.

"I don't want to go to Resembool." Edward said blatantly. He was born and raised in Resembool until he was ten-years old before finally leaving there at the age of twelve. He didn't want to go back, it would go against his resolve to leave everything behind and never turn back.

"I don't care what you want, Fullmetal. You're going and that's final. Pack your bags, you'll be gone for at least a week," the Colonel said. "Your train comes in at six in the morning; meet lieutenant colonel Hughes and his team there by five thirty."

"Five thirty?" Edward raised his eyebrows. He was _not _a morning person. As it is his brother, Alphonse, had to force him out of bed by noon, and that was a difficult feat.

"Yes, Fullmetal, five thirty," Mustang rolled his eyes. "You're dismissed."

Ed sighed and stood, taking the train tickets before leaving to meet his brother on the outside of the building.

Edward begun walking with his younger brother Alphonse, whom for the time being was taller than him in a suit of metal armor, something that constantly had people believing that Alphonse was the 'Fullmetal Alchemist', when it was really Edward.

It turns out that the Fuhrer had a sense of humor-albeit a bad one-and declared Edward Elric with the title of 'Fullmetal Alchemist', a reference to his two automail limbs; his right arm and left leg.

"So what's going on, brother?" Alphonse asked as they walked on the street back to their hotel.

"Apparently the Colonel bastard has given us a mission to go back to Resembool." Edward growled out. It was obvious to anyone, not just the people that knew Ed, that he was angry about the whole thing. Only Alphonse could possibly know why.

"To Resembool? …Did you try to stop it…?" Alphonse asked. He noticed that he and Edward had both stopped walking at this point, now just standing on the sidewalk talking to one another.

"I did what I could. I told him that I didn't want to go, but you know how it is. Damn military has me on a leash. You don't have to go, though. You can stay in the hotel while I'm gone." Ed reasoned.

"No, brother, I want to go with you. Besides, if you're going to be in Resembool I can visit Winry." Alphonse said. Edward nodded, the two of them being silent for the rest of the night.

* * *

"Brother, wake up. Come on, we have to go," Alphonse said quietly as he gently shook Edward. This caused him to wince and roll over. Alphonse continued to shake him. "Brother, come up, wake up."

A groan came from the older teen as he tried to get more covered with the blankets. "Lemme sleep."

"You can sleep on the train, we have to be there in half an hour." Al continued to wake him. He had let Edward sleep in already, now he needed to wake him up.

"Fine." Ed mumbled as he sat up in bed. He had fallen asleep wearing his black jacket over his tank top and pajama bottoms, so he walked into the bathroom to change into his leather pants. After taking off his pajama pants, he locked the door, lifting his boxers a little to show his thighs.

There were small red slits that were fresh, well a few days in, but fresher than the other marks. He had been cutting at his legs for a few months. He didn't exactly know why he did it; just because it made things better, he guessed. Well, it made things _feel_ better.

He let his boxers cover the cuts and finished getting dressed, covering the red slits on his arms, the white scars from previous markings, before walking out of the bathroom to see Alphonse carrying his suitcase.

"Ready to go, brother?" Al asked.

"Yeah, I just gotta put my pants in my suitcase." Edward responded. Alphonse handed him the suitcase, the older brother quickly opening it and placing his clothing in there before shutting it. Instead of handing it back to Al, he just carried it himself.

They walked to the station, Edward dragging his feet and rubbing his eyes. He never got enough sleep for a growing teenager, constantly being on the move, but when he did get sleep, he wanted to sleep forever. At times he would have dark circles under his eyes, though this was not one of those times.

Mustang was right, Hughes was there waiting for him with a couple of guys that the brothers had never met. They didn't deem them important anyway, the two was dreading going back home, one more than the other.

"Ed, Al, good, you made it." Hughes said. Edward noticed that Hughes was carrying a thermos in his hand, and judging from the time and the brown liquid stains, it was coffee.

"What? You thought we were gonna skip out on you? I'm not ready for _that _lecture from the Colonel." Edward rolled his eyes.

"That's Roy, always giving out those little lectures of his. It's okay, I'll get back at him for you by another full lecture on getting a wife." Hughes and Alphonse both laughed, while Ed was left with a smirk. The two assumed that Edward had given off a light chuckle that they couldn't here between their own sounds.

"You ever think he's just gay? I mean, come on, thirty–years old, no wife, no girlfriend, what does that spell?" Edward raised his eyebrows, and his smirk only grew bigger with his accusation.

"Please, Ed, the man may be nuts enough to send a fifteen–year old to the train station at five in the morning, but he's not _gay_. I've known the guy since we were kids, he's anything but." Hughes said, though laughed nonetheless.

Edward rolled his eyes, knowing that the accusation was obviously untrue. He had heard about Mustang's affairs for years since he started as a State Alchemist. For all of the Colonel's team was worth, keeping their mouths shut around a child was not one of them. Besides, while they thought that Ed was a child when he first started, they grew to accept that he was as grown up as any other guy; or at least had been through more than most adults.

They boarded the train when it arrived, quickly settling into their seats. Mustang had been kind enough to give them tickets for their own private booth, so that's what Hughes and the Elrics got to share. Hughes' team had their own booth somewhere else where they had taken themselves.

After the train began to move toward their destination, which would unfortunately come in three days time, Edward was lulled to sleep by the rhythmic shaking of the train.

"He can just sleep like that, huh?" Hughes asked with a smirk after Ed had fallen asleep.

"Yeah, I guess he's gotten used to it. I don't know how it feels, but he used to complain about it a lot when we were younger.." Alphonse trailed off.

"Hey, it's okay, you're going to get your body back." Hughes said gently to the boy. He had found out about Al being just a suit of armor when Mustang had confided in him drunk just after the boys had left his home and got their own dorm room.

"Yeah, I guess." Alphonse sighed softly.

And for the rest of their time, it was silent. Until they reached Resembool.

* * *

**Depending on what day I get done with the second chapter of this, I'll decide if there will be an update pattern or not. Other than that, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, and please review, because I love hearing from everyone! **


	2. Chapter 2

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

The train halted at the small train station in the rural town of Resembool. Hometown to the Elric brothers, the eldest Elric, Edward, was not happy to be here. The youngest, Alphonse, had actually been glad to visit, but did not want to upset his brother by being too excited.

Edward groaned when the train finally came to a stop, knowing it's first destination, the one that it had just stopped at, was Resembool. He stood out of his seat, stretching his arms as Alphonse grabbed his suitcase. As soon as everyone got off the train and met up, Hughes decided to go over the plans.

"Alright, so there are missing girls, so we're going to things right. We're going to go over to the families of the missing girls and find out the details," Hughes explained.

"What details?" Edward asked.

"Details like where they last saw their family members that went missing or what they were wearing, anything that could help us find their location or their kidnapper," Hughes explained to the questionable teenager.

"Got it," Edward said. "Hey, Al, why don't you head out to Winry's? I'll stick with the team and let you know if anything turns up."

"Alright, brother," Alphonse said before he walked to the dirt path that lead to the Rockbell house. Edward sighed in relief that Al would be out of harms way.

"So, is there a reason I'm involved in this case?" Ed asked Hughes as they walked toward the house of the first victim's family.

"Well, you really helped my team out of that last kidnapping mess, so I suggested to Roy that you tag along on this mission to help us out again. To be honest, this case is a tricky one," Hughes explained.

"But wait, the last kidnapping mission I helped you out with I posed as bait…" Edward trailed off.

"Yes."

"Aren't all the victims girls?"

"That's right."

"You want me to be bait again?"

"That was the plan."

"So I'll have to…"

"Yep."

"No!"

"Please?"

"No."

"I'll tell the colonel about the time you-"

"Okay!" Edward interrupted. "Jeez, I'll be the damn bait, but not a word about it to anyone and you better not get me killed. I will haunt you ass," Edward growled out, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Thanks, Edward, you'll help us get this case finished in a few hours!" Hughes cheered out. "We'll just have to get you ready to play your part."

"What do you mean part?" Edward asked. He didn't like the evil twinkle in the man's eyes.

* * *

Two hours and a lot of investigating later, Edward was being dressed up by Winry, whom Hughes trusted to make him girly enough for the kidnapper. The blonde _male_ teenager was currently getting his hair curled.

"It's a good thing you have such long hair, _Edwina_," Winry teased.

"Shut up! I thought we could do this _without _you laughing at me. It's for work!" Edward shouted with a mixture of anger and humiliation.

"How often do I get to dress my best friend as a girl? I'd say not very often," Winry said as she finished. "All done. Now you fit the profile of what that creepy guy is looking for; blonde and cute."

"Which means you stay inside, understand me?" Edward warned, not even noticing that his friend had just called him a cute girl.

"Aw, you're calling me cute?" the taller girl said with a smile.

"Shut up, I'm trying to look after you!" Edward growled.

"Yes, I'll stay inside," Winry said after her laughing had ended.

It soon grew dark, close to the same time the other victims went missing. Ed left the small house that he called his own just after his mother passed and was lead to the location by Hughes' team.

"We'll be close so nothing happens to you, got it?" Hughes asked for confirmation.

"Got it. Don't get me killed," Edward confirmed. He walked out in the open and kept himself busy with kicking small pebbles on the ground. They waited for a couple hours before his walkie talkie tucked away went off.

_"Hey, Ed, we're gonna head back. It doesn't look like anything's happening tonight. Meet us at the top of the path," _Hughes said through the electronic device.

"Sure thing," Edward responded, stuffing the walkie talkie back to its original location and beginning to walk back to where he had left the investigation team. Before he could get two steps away from his standing point, there was a cloth being pressed against his mouth and nose.

He grunted in an attempt to scream to Hughes and the others, who were just a few paces ahead of him at this point, but heard nothing. Before Ed knew it, the chloroform on the rag made it into his lungs and he couldn't stay awake any longer.

Everything went black.


	3. Chapter 3

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

When Edward awoke, there were several men surrounding him. He was still too disoriented to understand what they were saying, but he knew it wasn't good. He was bound and gagged, his dress hiked up a little, just enough to see he was wearing boxers. His head was stinging with pain before he could finally hear again.

"What do we do with him?" one of the men asked.

"Well we can't just bury him like all the other girls. He's a special case," another said.

"We'll take it up with Throat and see what he says." The men then left Edward alone.

He looked around, knowing time was of the essence now that his cover was blown. There was a phone on the far side of the room, so with a quick clap of the hands, he was free.

Edward ran to the phone, dialing Mustang's number; he realized he should have dialed Hughes, but he did so out of habit. No point in hanging up anymore, Mustang already answered.

"_Hello_?" a tired voice answered.

"Mustang!" Edward exclaimed in a hushed whisper. "You gotta tell Hughes those guys got me! I'm in some warehouse and those guys could come back, and-" Edward stopped as he heard footsteps coming.

"_Edward_?" Mustang asked. "_Edward, are you still there_?!" he was beginning to grow panicked.

"Get Hughes," Edward whispered back, hanging up the phone and going back to his spot, pretending he was still bound and re-gagging himself in a position he could spit the gag out easily.

One man and one man only walked back in seconds later. It was a different man than the others before, whom Ed assumed was this 'Throat' character.

"Hey there, kid," the man smirked. "I heard you like to pretend you're a girl, so why don't I give you the whole experience?" the man suggested. Edward was confused until the man grabbed his hips and pulled his body closer.

As Ed finally realized what was happening, he clapped his hands to transmute a barrier between them.

"An alchemist, huh? Well, I can take care of that." The man then grabbed Ed's hands, spreading them apart so he couldn't use alchemy to get out of anything.

"Stop!" Edward shouted, spitting out the gag.

"So you've been free from everything this whole time? I think you deserve special treatment; especially since you probably already found a way to get help." Edward mentally sighed in relief, knowing just about any other situation he could handle, but not something _sexual_.

Edward soon found himself being gagged and blindfolded.

* * *

Hughes got the call from Roy saying Edward had been captured over an hour ago. Something about a warehouse-there was only one in the entire town-but they still weren't able to get them yet.

Hughes mentally cursed himself for taking so long, but there was nothing else he could do. He had to wait to see if there was any suspicious activity or else he'd be illegally trespassing.

A cat running into a trashcan was suspicious enough for him and he quickly ran into the warehouse with his team and a gun in hand. There was no one there. Just a note that had some blood droplets on it.

Hughes placed a glove on his hand before picking up the note to read what it said.

_Your alchemist is with us. Hope you enjoy seeing his blood for the last time, next time it will be in a ditch._

"Dammit," Hughes said to himself. There was no clues to find Ed other than a...the man smirked to himself.

"There's only one place you can bury a body in Resembool."

LINE BREAK.

Edward was blindfolded for the walk to the outside, but he knew well enough what was happening. The digging sounds were as clear as day, and he was sitting on a grassy patch. This could only mean they were in a graveyard.

He remembered an article in the newspaper there that said something about a stupid zombie hypothesis because the graves from months before had looked freshly dug in.

_So that's what he's doing, _Edward thought to himself. _He's digging up bodies to grave rob and putting the girls he rapes and kidnaps in the graves of whoever they rob._ He felt himself being lifted and thrown into the grave.

"Hasta la vista, boy girl!" the leader said before he began to cackle like a mad man. Dirt was thrown onto Edward as he was dug in.

* * *

Hughes rushed off to the cemetery. He knew Edward's life depended on how fast he could be. When the team finally reached the cemetery, they noticed a group of men walking away from a high up grave.

Without thinking, he grabbed one of them by the collar to interrogate. There was no mistake they were doing _something_ out here; they were dirty as all hell.

"What are you doing out here?" Hughes asked while the team walked to the digging area they were just at and began to look for signs of life.

"We were just paying our respects to an old friend, honest!" the one in the death grip spoke.

"Hughes, we got him!" one member of the team shouted out. They had all began digging, but Hughes worked on the men first. They put up a fight, but with a gun and threats, he managed to contain them. He arrived at the grave just in time to pull out an unconscious Edward.

Hughes didn't even think, he just began working on getting Edward to breathe again. Soon, Ed began breathing again, and Hughes deemed it safe to move him.

"We're taking him to a doctor here and then we'll transfer him to Central," Hughes announced to the others. No one thought to object. The man lifted Edward into his arms, the kid's dress and boxers riding up enough for the cuts the teenager had inflicted on himself to be revealed.

"What the hell..?" Hughes trailed off, moving the cloth more in order to have a better view. The man covered them once again before the others in the team could notice, and continued to walk down the path. He didn't need to worry about the others seeing anything once they went to keep an eye on the kidnappers.

Ed was carried bridal style to the Rockbell's, who were the only doctors in Resembool-more like doctor. Pinako Rockbell answered the door, seeing Hughes holding the unconscious teen. It was almost like a flash to the past from the night Alphonse carried Edward in a pool of blood at the doorstep. She hastily let them in.

"Tell me what happened." Pinako hooked Ed up on IV while Hughes relayed everything that happened on their mission. Of course, hooking a teenager to an IV required certain cuts and scars to be visible.

"So he's still doing that." Pinako sighed. Hughes only assumed what she was talking about were the cuts.

"What is he doing exactly?" Hughes asked. He had assumed the people that attacked him were the ones who caused the wounds on Edward's legs, but Pinako's tone and choice of words told a different story.

"No, these guys didn't do this to Edward," Pinako explained. "He's been doing this for years. Since he was twelve."

"Why?" Hughes asked.

"I never knew or asked him. He doesn't even know I know," Pinako admitted.

"I'm going to have to report these marks, you know. There's no way around it," Hughes spoke softly. He felt a bit guilty he had to rat the teen out, but also knew it was the right thing to do.

"It's probably for the best."

LINE BREAK

Edward woke with a groan. He was completely sore, like his body had been thrown into a ditch. The memories flooded back with a migraine as he realized he _was_ thrown into a ditch. He also realized it was dark, the lights were out, and he was wearing an oxegyn mask.

_This can't be good._

"You're awake." Ed looked in the direction of the voice, but knew it was Mustang's before he even saw the man sitting in the recliner beside the bed. "Don't take that off," he said. The blonde didn't listen. The mask was removed and placed on the bed beside him.

"You came all the way to Resembool?" Edward asked.

"You were transferred to Central right after I bought my ticket." Roy smirked. Ed couldn't see the smirk in the dark.

"Why am I here? I'm completely fine," Edward asked.

"You went to the doctor in Resembool because you were unconscious and you were transferred here because of breathing problems and not waking up. You've been in and out for a week," Roy answered everything, knowing Ed would ask.

"Well, I'm awake, so I can leave now, right?" Ed asked.

"Not quite." Roy sighed. Before Edward could ask him why not, the older man held up a finger. "The doctors found some cuts on you, and they were way to precision for a murderer to have done it," Roy explained. "Want to tell me where they're from?" he asked.

"You know I'm rough and constantly on missions. Besides, the dude was a crazy nut job. He took his knife and did this to me," Edward fibbed. Whatever he could to get his way through this. He was white knuckling through.

"Ed, I can't help you unless you tell me the truth," Roy said gruffly.

"I told you the truth! I don't need any help!" Edward grabbed at his throat in pain at shouting. Mustang handed him a glass of water and Ed drank eagerly.

"Edward, please, I already know the truth."

"You don't know anything," Ed said quickly.

"Pinako told us where these cuts came from."

Now Edward was confused because he hadn't told anyone anything. "She did?"

Roy sighed in relief, taking this as a confession.

"Yes, she did. She said you've been doing this to yourself since you were twelve and I can't help but feel like it's my fault. If I hadn't have been so hard on you, maybe you wouldn't have resorted to this," Roy explained.

"What exactly did granny tell you?" Edward asked. Hughes entered the room before Mustang could answer.

"She told me you've been cutting yourself," Hughes answered instead.

"How would she know?" Ed asked.

"Because you're like a grandson to her and she watches after you," Hughes answered once again. By now Roy was left in the sidelines; Hughes was the best one to be a parent anyway.

"Edward, by law at this point you need to stay in the hospital for evaluation," Roy brought himself back into the conversation.

"I'm a state alchemist!" Ed objected. Once again, being handed more water for his throat, and drinking it.

"You're not above the law. If you weren't a minor and did this, the same thing would be happening," Roy spoke. "They can keep you for up to 72 hours unless they deem you dangerous to yourself or others." Roy paused, waiting for Edward's enraged outburst. Instead, a question came.

"But they can let me go sooner than that?"

Roy nodded. "They'll have a psychiatrist monitor your behavior, then deciding whether to transfer you to a special hospital or not," Mustang finished. "Any questions?"

"I'll get to come back to the military after this, right?" Edward asked.

"Consider this paid medical leave," Mustang assured. "You'll be right back to the military once they let you go." Edward let out a sigh of relief. His face then showed confusion.

"What about Al? Where's he gonna go? What's he gonna do without me?" There was silence in the room.

"Alphonse is still staying in Resembool."

"What?" Ed interrupted Hughes' explanation.

"He wanted to come when we transferred you, but I advised him against it," Roy mentioned.

"Does he know?" Edward asked. It was pretty clear what he was talking about.

"We gave him vague answers. All he knows is you're cut up, but he doesn't know it's from yourself," Hughes answered. "He'll find out eventually, though."

"I know he will." Ed looked down at his arms, realizing they were bandaged. _Why didn't I feel that before..?_ He thought to himself.

"Some of the cuts were infected," Roy answered Edward's thoughts.

"Oh," was all Ed said.

"Get some rest," Mustang said, standing from the recliner. "I'm gonna go back to my place, take a shower and eat. Want me to bring you back anything in the morning?" Roy asked Hughes.

"I'm good. You just get back home." Mustang walked to the door, Hughes taking the other's spot on the recliner. Ed laid back in the hospital bed, listening to the colonel's footsteps as he walked down the hospital corridor.

"Morning?" Ed asked, suddenly realizing what the men said. "What time is it?" He knew it was dark, but wasn't sure what time it was. In Resembool, sometimes it could be dark during the day with no reason.

"Midnight," Hughes answered. "You got some rest, okay?"

"I've slept for a week; I'm plenty rested," Edward retorted.

"Just go to sleep. You'll need your rest for evaluations tomorrow," Hughes explained.

Ed slumped his shoulders, laying on his side in the bed. It irritated the IV in his arm, though he left it alone. The hospital could just use it against him anyway. Somehow, Edward managed to fall asleep.

* * *

**Next Update: Wednesday, August 13th**


	4. Chapter 4

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

When Edward woke again, he was being checked over by a nurse. The lighting, being bright, caused him to squint in order to see.

After he had adjusted, he noticed the nurse had removed the bandaging on his arms and it was now Mustang sitting in the recliner, watching the bandage removal with heavy eyes.

"What are you looking at?" Edward glared at the man. All Roy did was sigh, turning back a book he had in his arms.

"The infection is clearing up," the nurse said. Ed was about to respond when the woman lathered his arms in a stinging ointment.

"Holy shit, what the hell is that?!" Edward shouted. He was about to grab at his arms in order to comfort them from the pain, but was stopped by a pressure on his wrists. His arms were strapped away, just far enough that they couldn't touch.

"It's to help them heal faster," was all the nurse said before walking out of the room.

"Mustang, will you do something?!" Ed called to the colonel for help.

"What exactly do you want me to do, Edward?" Roy closed his book, leaving it on his lap.

"Unstrap me?" the blonde suggested.

"No," the colonel said as casually as if he were turning down a donut.

"No?" Ed asked, raising his eyebrows and attempting to pull himself against the straps. They began to hurt his wrists and remind him of when he was kidnapped, so immediately stopped.

"I'm not going to unstrap you, Edward," Mustang said sternly, identical to how he scolded the teen in the office whenever the kid was misbehaving.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know if I trust you enough to do that," Roy answered honestly.

"There's nothing in here I can do anything with." As if to prove a point, Edward looked around the hospital room, looking back at Mustang and making a face along with a shrug.

The colonel sighed. "That's not what I'm talking about."

"Then what _are_ you talking about?"

"You lied to me, Edward. You were doing this for 3 years and you never told me."

"You never asked," Ed said casually with another shrug.

"You could have come to me for comfort if you needed it, Ed."

"I didn't need it," the teen denied.

Roy would have laughed if it wasn't so serious. "Edward, just tell me the truth. Did you do this because I pushed you into the military?"

"No, Mustang." Ed sighed. "I didn't do this because of the military, okay?"

"Then why?" the raven haired man asked.

"I have my reasons," was all the kid would say.

"Well, if you won't tell me, then you can tell a therapist," Mustang responded.

"You're kidding right?" Edward cracked an amused smile.

"I'm not." The colonel looked back at his book. "Even when the doctors decide to let you out of here, I'm scheduling you an appointment to see a therapist once a week, and he'll give me information on how you're doing."

"You most certainly are not!" Ed objected. "I don't _need_ a therapist and I don't want anyone knowing what's going on in my head!"

"Obviously you need someone inside of your head, Edward!" Roy shouted back. He quickly regained his composure when a doctor walked into the room.

"Colonel Mustang?" the man asked. Roy nodded. "I'm Doctor Clay; I'm the psychiatrist on staff here at the hospital. May I speak with Edward for a bit?" he asked.

"Of course," Mustang responded, standing to walk out of the room. Just before leaving, he knelt to his subordinate, whispering softly, "Behave." He then walked out of the room.

"What was it he said just now?" Clay asked suddenly. Ed jumped, he hadn't expected the man to sound so…he wanted to use the word condescending, but it was anything but. The teen wracked his mind for

"What Mustang said?" Edward asked, unsure exactly of the questions. Clay nodded. "Uh…he told me to behave.." the teen trailed off.

"Well, that's a good thing, I guess." Clay smiled, sitting in the recliner where Mustang and Hughes had been located. Bringing out a clipboard, the man began to speak. "So, Edward Elric. The State Alchemist, right?"

"Wow, you know who I am?" Edward smirked. Usually people would assume his brother was the Fullmetal Alchemist; of course that was when Alphonse was standing next to him and only the name 'Fullmetal' was spoken.

"I work in a hospital and have my own office; of course I know who you are. I see a lot of military men that have quite a bit to say about you." Clay laughed as he spoke. "Do you hear the phrase 'quick tempered' a lot?"

"No, but I hear the term 'smart ass' a lot." Ed smirked. The man laughed just a little more, continuing to flip through his clipboard.

"You know, Mr. Elric, I see a lot of military men for psychological problems. You are not the only person to do this to yourself; a quarter of the population does this," Clay said.

"Don't call me 'Mr. Elric'." Clay knew the kid was just trying to avoid the conversation. He also knew how to talk to people like this in a certain way.

"What would you like me to call you?" Clay asked. Before ever getting to know a patient he would need to establish what they preferred to be addressed as.

"Ed. Just Ed," Edward said. He would have said to call him Edward, but he hated the lengthy professionalism that came along with it. Sure, he wanted to be addressed professionally, but only at work. Sometimes not even there, and a lot of the time he didn't have to deal with it. Mustang called him Fullmetal, Hawkeye called him Edward, and the rest of the crew either called him chief or Ed. It was easier not to correct them with what they had grown accustomed to.

"Alright, Ed." Clay smiled. "So, how do you feel?"

"What do you mean, 'how do I feel'?" Edward raised an eyebrow in confusion and moved to cross his arms over his chest, yet the binding to the bed prevented him from doing so.

"I mean, how do you feel being here? Do you feel safe?" Clay asked. As he did so, the doctor began to remove the restraints on the teenager's wrists.

Ed was hesitant, but when he was removed, he began to rub on his wrists in relief now that the pressure was nonexistent. "Thanks.." he trailed off.

"You can thank me by answering all of my questions." Clay smiled.

"Alright, alright," Edward rolled his eyes playfully. It was the first time he actually felt his mood life since he got here. Well, at least since he was conscious enough to acknowledge his mood. "Do I feel safe? Uh…I guess?"

"You guess or you know?" Clay asked. Every time Ed had seen a doctor growing up, they would always write down everything he said in their clipboards. Clay was different. He wasn't writing anything down; just sitting and listening to everything Edward said. The blonde briefly wondered if the man was wearing a wire he would listen to later, but didn't care. At least now he had someone's undivided attention.

"I feel safe from myself," Edward paused. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be completely honest with anyone yet. "But I feel like I'm gonna wake up with someone holding a knife over my face."

Clay laughed. "What's so funny?" Ed felt offended.

"Nothing, nothing. It's just, a lot of my patients that stay in the psychiatric ward tell me that." Clay's laugh died down to a slight chuckle before ending.

"Then why is it so funny? Shouldn't you be sick of answers like that by now?" Edward internally smirked at the thought of being given the same answers all the time. It would just make him want to die.

"I suppose I just like my job too much." The doctor smirked as he spoke.

"Sounds boring." Ed began to pick at his fingernails, curling his legs toward himself. He could feel bandages on his thighs as well. He wondered why the nurse hadn't changed them, but figured it was just because those cuts weren't infected.

"Probably for the average, but my father was a psychiatrist and his father before him as well," Clay responded.

"Jeez, family business? Sounds like a boring line to live up to."

"It fascinated me. Don't know if it did so for my father, but I like the business." Clay gently placed a hand on Edward's, causing the teen to stop picking at his nails. "In here, that could be considered self-harm."

"Got it," Ed responded, immediately stopping. If he could refrain from hurting himself for enough time to get out of the hospital – he would. "So, I'm guessing you've had enough time with me to tell if I'm sane or not, right?" he asked.

"Well, I've had enough time with you to determine whether you stay or go," Clay paused. "I need to have a discussion with your guardian first, and we'll also have a family therapy session."

"Family therapy session?" Edward raised an eyebrow.

"It's just like this, but your family is involved," Clay explained.

"Well, you're out of luck. The only family I have is my fourteen-year old brother." Ed shrugged.

"Your guardian?" Clay asked.

"Don't got one as far as I can tell."

"Your file says you have two men who are appointed as your legal guardians," Clay mentioned.

"What? Two men?" Edward didn't even know he had _one _legal guardian and now he suddenly had _two_?

"Roy Mustang and Maes Hughes?" Clay asked to see if they meant anything to the kid. Obviously they did, as they were the two who had been swapping out visiting with Edward.

"_They're _my legal guardians?" Ed asked.

"Yep, and they'll be having a meeting with you and I as soon as I can process the paperwork," Clay said, standing and preparing himself to leave.

"How soon will you be able to process the paperwork?" Edward leaned forward on the hospital bed in hopes of keeping the man there long enough to answer his questions.

"Depending on how many patients I have to see today, it could be a couple hours, it could be thirty minutes, or it could be until tomorrow morning. I'll let you know first when it's finished; I promise," Clay said. Ed didn't move to ask any more questions, so the doctor took his cue to leave.

* * *

**Next Update: Wednesday, August 20th 2014**


	5. Chapter 5

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone.**

**Happy birthday to me! :D For my birthday, I wanted to put this chapter up. I hope you all like it!**

* * *

The blonde teenager waited for what seemed like forever before he finally heard from someone. Mustang had hung out with him all day, though the man only read his book, with the occasional glances to make sure the blonde wasn't doing anything stupid or reckless. Edward mostly sat around the room or napping. The drugs they were pumping into him were causing him to be exhausted, along with having to pee every five minutes. He didn't know whether to be embarrassed or not.

Finally, a doctor came in to look Edward over again before announcing what the other doctor – the one Edward knew – had told him.

"Well, Doctor Clay has told me in his report that you don't seem to be showing any signs of hurting yourself again." The doctor paused, opening a file the Elric knew was his, reading shortly, before shutting it and turning his gaze back to the teenager and his superior officer. "We'll let you go tomorrow afternoon, after a morning family session, which should be held with both of your legal guardians."

"What about Alphonse?" Edward interrupted. He really didn't want his baby brother knowing anything about what he was doing.

"Well, your brother does not need to attend, but it would be helpful in your recovery," the man explained. "But the most important thing is discussing your behavior with your legal guardians so they can distinguish the signs of you wanting to do this to yourself again."

"So basically I gotta tell them my triggers and stuff?" Ed asked.

"Exactly; how did you know?" the gray haired man asked.

"Seen a lot of movies," Edward spoke nonchalantly.

"Well, Colonel Mustang, we'll need you and Lieutenant Hughes to come in first thing in the morning; is that alright?" The doctor now cared nothing of the teen's presence.

"Of course. Hughes should be here already since we're taking shifts, and I'll make sure to be on my way quickly," Mustang explained.

"Very good. Doctor Clay will see you all first thing in the morning for your therapy. Have a good day, Edward." The doctor left the room, a nurse standing right behind him in a way neither of the military personnel could see.

"It's time for your ointment," the nurse said with an evil grin. She walked over, squeezing the ointment on her gloved hand out of a tube and began to smear it on Ed's wounds.

"Don't do tha-OW!"

* * *

"So, Ed, tell us how you're feeling today," Clay instructed. Ed had been allowed to leave his hospital bed to go to an office he learned belonged to the doctor. He noticed on the walls were several degrees, and one particularly large picture showed him and several teenagers which looked like they had been in treatment with him.

Hughes and Mustang both looked at Edward, who were sitting in plastic chairs beside him. The teen noticed Hughes' gaze was toward his golden eyes, but Mustang's gaze was focused on the bandages on his arms.

"I feel fine." Ed didn't even want to be there, let alone go into depth on how he was _feeling_. He felt like such a pansy for even thinking about letting them into his heart and soul. Weren't men supposed to hide their feelings? Wasn't it weak to show feelings? That's what Edward always thought, anyway.

"Care to explain?" Clay asked. Talking to just Clay was one thing. Ed didn't know him, and could tell him literally anything and it wouldn't have an impact on his life. Besides, Clay didn't give the vibe of making fun of him for his feelings. But talking to Clay in front of Hughes and Mustang – that was a totally different story.

"Not really." Just the thought of going into detail made him want to pull his sleeves down. Mustang's obsessive stare wasn't helping either. Unfortunately, Edward had no sleeves to pull, and even if he did, the bulky bandages wouldn't allow him.

"It's alright. You can speak up when you're ready," Clay said simply. He turned his attention on the other men in the room. "Now, I believe Ed does not need to stay here any longer, but he will definitely need to meet with a therapist of your choosing once a week. I am available here and at my own private office if Ed is comfortable working with me."

"I want to work with you," Edward brought up. The military men both raised their eyebrows. They had known the kid for years; he would never respond in any positive or cooperative way to therapy, and yet here he was doing so.

"Alright, well, we can fill out the paperwork for that." Clay smiled. "Also, yesterday I gave the nurse a form to fill out about Ed's triggers." The blonde remembered filling it out shortly after the man left. "I'll give you a copy of the form to look out for. Someone will need to remain with him always and keep him away from sharp objects," Clay said before turning to Edward. "Sorry for talking about you like you're not here, Ed. I just need to make sure they know everything." The teenager actually felt pretty good about this man.

"When can he be discharged?" Hughes asked.

"I prepared the paperwork just before this session, so all you need to do is fill it out. Who will he be staying with after leaving here?" Clay asked.

The men shared a look.

"He'll be staying with me," Hughes said. It would be easier for him, as he was plenty trained in dealing with kids. His house was also child-proof and there were no locks on any of the doors except for the master bedroom and doors which lead to the outside. It would be a cakewalk to keep him out of trouble.

"Then you will be the one to fill out the paperwork to have him released," Clay informed. He walked out of the room, leaving everyone left in his office. Only for a short amount of time, as a nurse walked in moments later.

"Elric, come with me," she said in monotone. She certainly didn't sound interested in her job. Hesitating at first, Edward stood from the chair and walked over to her, where she led him back to his room. She had grabbed his bandages, which caused the teen some pain, but he grit his teeth and dealt with it.

The nurse grabbed a paper bag out of the closet. Edward knew it contained the clothing he arrived in. Unfortunately for him, that was a dress.

"You have your clothes you were brought in," the nurse started. She marked something off on a list on the side of the bag. "And you were brought some clothes, which are also in the bag. Change. After that, your guardians should be finished filling out the paperwork and you'll be able to go." The nurse stood with her arms crossed over her chest. Ed knew what she was doing. She was watching him dress in order to make sure he didn't do something stupid – like hurting himself.

After Edward was dressed, he was led to a counter where Doctor Clay was standing alongside Hughes and Mustang. They had been discussing something before he was brought over. The conversation the three of them had had immediately ended once they saw Ed being brought over by the nurse. The teen let go the thoughts of prying to find out the subject of the matter, as he was pretty sure he knew exactly what it was – him.

"Well, Ed, you're free to go. I'll see you in my personal office tomorrow afternoon, alright?" Clay asked. Apparently he had made arrangements with Hughes and Mustang while the teen was dressing.

"Sure," Edward said. He didn't feel like saying much more. His throat still hurt a bit from the tube which rested in it for a week, and he was tired. It was something he had read about called 'bed sickness', which was basically being tired after being in the hospital or in a bed for so long. It was normal.

Mustang and Hughes had light conversation about something completely unrelated to Ed – not that he would know, since he wasn't really paying attention – in hopes of distracting the kid about his current predicament.

They all walked out to the parking lot, where Mustang said his goodbyes, as well as mentioning that he would drop by tomorrow, before getting into a car. Ed barely noticed Hawkeye was in the driver seat of the car before they drove off. A brief thought wondered why she hadn't bothered to talk to him or say hi, but he figured it was just because the woman hadn't wanted to make him uncomfortable.

"What do you say we get this show on the road?" Hughes laughed lightly. The blonde had a feeling it was forced, yet didn't say anything. The man opened the backseat for the State Alchemist, and he slid in. Hughes put the paper bag the nurse had handed off to him at the counter into the trunk, got in the car, and drove toward his house.

Edward was dreading every moment of it.

* * *

**R&amp;R**

**Next Update: August 27th**


	6. Chapter 6

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"Little big brother!" Elysia called out excitedly as she ran from Gracia's knees to the teen who walked through the front door first. Hughes had led him with a hand on his shoulder to walk inside, so the father was right behind him with the kid's paper bag from the hospital.

"Hey, Elysia." Ed smiled, kneeling down so that she could hug him. The three year old had been born on Edward's twelfth birthday, and ever since she could walk and talk, she was right where Ed was whenever he visited. He didn't mind so much; when he and Alphonse were little, Al would do the same thing, so Ed was accustomed to such behavior.

"Mommy and daddy said you're gonna stay here for a while!" Elysia shouted. The last time Edward stayed at the Hughes' house, Gracia had been trying to establish the 'inside voice', but so far, it hadn't taken to the rambunctious three year old.

"Yeah, your mommy and daddy are right," Ed told her. He knew that being out of the hospital wouldn't put an end to the 'paid medical leave' Mustang had mentioned. The search for the philosopher's stone the Elrics had worked so hard on would probably be delayed for a long while.

"Yay! Mommy set your room up, but she said I couldn't play with you until you feel better. Are you sick?" Elysia asked. Edward knew that Hughes had definitely told Gracia about the situation. They were married, and never kept secrets from each other. Plus, the bandages left on the Elric's arms were probably a dead giveaway to any knowing adult.

"Kinda," the teenager answered. He could see Elysia's facial expression grow sad at not being able to play with her 'big brother' that she had been waiting for so long to play with. "Don't worry, though, I'll make plenty of time to play with you, alright?" It would take things off his mind to play with her anyway, and the look of joy on the little girl's face brought a smile to his own.

"Can we play right now?" Elysia asked, her little body practically shaking with excitement. Just before Ed answered, Gracia did.

"Actually, Elysia, why don't we let Edward settle in for a while, and he can play with you later, alright?" Gracia suggested. _Reminds me of mom,_ Ed thought to himself. "Do you want to help me to do the dishes?" she distracted the three year old.

"Yes, mommy!" Elysia shouted out, leaving Edward's side and grabbing onto her mother's hand – eager to help with anything she could. The two walked out of the room and to the kitchen.

"That's the great thing about three year olds – they always want to help." Hughes laughed as he said this. "I'll help with your stuff," Hughes said. He picked up the bag that Ed could have easily done himself, and together they walked to the bedroom.

It looked the same as the last time Edward had stayed there. The room held one queen sized bed with blue sheets. When the Elrics had first begun staying there, the queen sized bed had been two twins, but the Hughes' had changed it after multiple stays with only one Elric at a time.

There was a dresser with a vanity mirror which had been a wedding present from Gracia's mother. Originally, it was placed in the Hughes' master bedroom, but they placed it in the guest room – AKA Elric bedroom – when they bought a new one in celebration of their seventh anniversary.

The closet and dresser contained casual clothing which had been purchased for Edward by the Hughes'. They were lucky he never grew much, as they didn't need to buy new clothing too often. They always did buy him more whenever he was staying for a longer period of time. Ed hated it when they did so, as he felt like they were wasting their money, or spoiling him, but was grateful they would do it.

The walls were freshly painted a light blue – Alphonse had said something about how the room needed more light in it the last time they were there, but he had said it to Edward, and they each thought no one was listening. Ed assumed they had been painted while he was at the hospital, as Hughes was in Resembool with him, and they were fresher than that trip.

Hughes placed the paper bag inside of the closet, and Edward noticed the bedroom door had been removed. The father must have known the look the teenager was casting him.

"The doctor suggested it would be a good idea," Hughes answered.

"Do you not trust me?" Edward asked.

"I trust you," Hughes assured. "We just need to take special precautions." He paused, letting out a bit of a sigh. "I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Fair enough," Ed responded, yet he knew his cheeks were flushed from the realization they were planning on keeping a good eye on him. Special attention was never good for an Elric. "Can I go to the bathroom or is that door off the hinges too?" he asked after rolling his eyes.

The man didn't mind. "The door's still there, but be prepared, there's no lock on it."

"Why not?" Edward asked with a dumbfounded expression.

"I have a three year old daughter. If something happens, we want to be able to get to her. Besides, it turned out to be a good thing in your case." Hughes didn't realize what he said until he said it. The hurt expression on the teenager's face was more than enough to make him feel guilty. "Edward, I'm so-"

"Maes!" Gracia called from the bottom of the stairs. Hughes turned toward the top of the stairs.

"Yes?" he called back.

"I need your help in the kitchen," she called back. Hughes thought to apologize, but heard once again, "Maes!" She sounded urgent enough to become the man's first priority. He quickly walked to the bottom of the stairs.

"Is something the matter?" Maes asked his wife once he reached the end of the stairs, where she was located. Elysia was nowhere near, which worried the doting father until he noticed that Gracia was not worried. Elysia was fine.

"I think Edward needs some alone time," Gracia said.

"I just wanted to get him settled in his room," Hughes explained himself. "I wanted to tell him that Alphonse is coming in tomorrow."

"Sweetheart, we shouldn't bombard him with that news right away. Give him some time," Gracia spoke once again. She paused for a long moment. "Plus, I really do need your help in the kitchen," she said with a light laugh.

Hughes smirked. "Is that all?"

"I think so. Elysia's playing with her toys in the living room, and I told her no going upstairs without telling us and _no _bothering Edward," the dirty blonde explained. **(Her hair always looked dirty blonde to me). **

"What if he hurts himself?" Maes asked.

"What could he possibly hurt himself with?" Gracia asked. "Besides, if he makes that decision, then all we can do is treat the wound. He's already been told not to do it, telling him again won't change anything."

"Alright, if you say so."

* * *

Edward hadn't been in this room in a long time. It had been months since he had been to their house, as he had been staying in either a hotel or the military dorms for his time in Central. Alphonse was always with him, so no one bugged him to stay with them.

He ran his hand over the dresser top. Thoughts over just how many times he had taken a razor to his body in front of the mirror, only to cover himself with clothing and stash the razor he had used in the drawer filling his head.

Hell, Ed remembered forgetting his razor in the top drawer and having to go out and buy a new one. The cashier had given him one hell of a look, commenting on how he must be growing facial hair. It had agitated the teenager at the time, only wanting to take his purchase out of there and use it.

A brief curiosity filled his thoughts over if the razor was still there. Hughes might not have found it. Hell, the man might not have even gone in the drawer to search for items.

The blonde cast a glance over to the doorframe where a door no longer resided. After finding no one looking in on him – not that they would have been able to see anything, even if they were – he pulled the drawer open. Pushing clothing aside, there was a small compartment Edward had placed himself with alchemy. He popped it up with a finger, finding the slightly bloodied razor was still there.

A small grin popped onto his face, closing the compartment along with the drawer. He sighed in relief, knowing if the urge ever came, there was a way out.

Ed's thoughts of comfort were suddenly shattered when he heard Gracia's voice in close proximity. "Edward, it's time for dinner," she said. It caused him to jump, hoping that she hadn't seen anything. Hell, he hadn't even taken the damn razor out of the compartment. How could she know?

"Alright," Ed said quietly. His voice was still hoarse, even though he had spoken quite a few times.

"Everyone's already at the table," Gracia said. She nodded toward the stairs, walking down first. She hadn't even kept that close wandering eye on him that everyone else had been doing. Edward had assumed she would be the worst with that motherly way she did things.

Ed walked down the stairs, noticing through a window that the sky had become dark; the sky a dark blue. It was then he had realized that it must have been a few hours that he had been in the room, and not a few minutes like he had assumed. After all, he had arrived sometime in the morning.

Edward reached the table, seeing Mustang sitting beside Elysia. She was making funny faces at the dark haired man, who surprisingly, was making funny faces right back at her. _Maybe I underestimated his level of bastard, _Ed thought to himself.

"Sit down, Ed," Hughes said, waving a hand from his chair. There was only one left for Edward to choose from after everyone else was seated. Right next to Mustang. With an internal sigh, he sat beside the man, grabbing at his bandaging in discomfort when he caught the colonel looking at them.

"So, how have you been, Edward?" Roy asked after they began eating. He had been trying to find a polite way to ask since the Elric had first walked into the room.

"The same way as this morning," Ed responded, not paying much attention to the man. Hughes smiled a little.

"I meant how have you been since coming to the Hughes'?" Roy re-asked. "Have you had any progress?"

"I've only been here for a few hours, Mustang," Edward stopped his eating and stared at the man, making eye contact. The raven haired colonel felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up a bit at making the first eye contact with the kid in a _long _time.

Roy wondered just how long it had been since he had last made eye contact with this kid. The kid he had all but taken in after his mother died. The kid that risked his life on a daily basis. _Maybe even more so than we thought, _Roy thought to himself.

"But you haven't had any urges?" Mustang asked, not wanting to speak of the direct subject in front of a three year old.

"What makes you ask that?" Ed didn't recall saying anything about having urges to harm himself when Doctor Clay had asked.

"The doctor said it's common for people like you to have urges like _that_," Roy shrugged his shoulders.

"You like the mashed potatoes?" Hughes asked, nodding down at the kid's plate, which Gracia had filled with the foods they were eating. This signaled that the man no longer wanted to hear about this subject. _Probably just trying to protect his little girl, _Edward thought to himself.

"Yeah, they're okay," Ed said, even though he hadn't actually tried them yet. Just after speaking, he took a forkful of the mush and shoved it in his mouth. Elysia had been watching from her booster seat, beginning to copy her 'big brother's' movements.

"Elysia, please, I taught you better than that," Gracia scolded her child gently. Edward knew she didn't intend to offend him in any way, but it made him feel the only reason that the woman hadn't scolded him was because it wasn't her place as a parent.

_The kid needs a parent, Gracia, _Mustang thought. He would never say that out loud – or at least not out loud in front of the kid.

"So, Edward.." Gracia trailed off. She and Hughes both wanted to tell him the youngest Elric would be arriving by train in the morning. Alphonse had been made aware that Ed had just awoken from his coma, and though there were plenty of orders to stay in Resembool, he wanted to come back.

_Brother _needs_ me, _Alphonse had said over and over on the phone. No one could talk any sense in him – save for maybe his brother.

"Yeah?" Ed immediately looked up from his food. He felt as though Gracia would tell him not to expose Elysia to his lifestyle or something, and was not expecting what came next.

"Your brother's coming to help look after you in the morning."

* * *

**Happy birthday to my dad! That's right, his birthday is exactly a week after mine. My mom always said I would have been born on his birthday, but the doctors wanted to induce her because they're paranoid and like to schedule births to make it easier for themselves. SO, I posted a chapter about something my dad hates in order to wish him happy birthday ;) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD! **

**Next Update: 9.3.14 **


	7. Chapter 7

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"What?!" Edward shouted, standing from his chair, scooting it back with a screech of protest from the floor.

"I said Alphonse is coming in tomorrow," Gracia repeated. "Please sit down, you wouldn't want to interrupt dinner, would you?" Ed sat back down. "Your brother wanted to come and help you, and no one could talk sense into him."

"Does he know?" Ed glanced to Elysia, who was happily eating her food, not paying attention to anything they were talking about.

"No," Roy answered this time. "All he knows is that you were in a coma and you just got out of the hospital."

"But we can talk about this after dinner when Elysia is playing in her room, alright?" Hughes suggested. He was a very protective father, not wanting to expose his three year old to Ed's behavior at all.

"Yeah, after dinner," Edward said, looking back down at his meal. His appetite had taken a vacation while they were talking about Alphonse, and suddenly his need to release the anxiety from knowing his brother would find out grew stronger. Sure, Al knew nothing now, but it was only a matter of time before he would arrive, and then he would see the bandages.

The rest of dinner was silent, but Edward knew of the inevitable conversation that would arrive as soon as Elysia was out of earshot. He had waited on edge while the adults conversed about things that would seem normal to any kid. Work, food, things like that.

Soon enough, Elysia was up in her room, Ed sitting on the sofa while Gracia cleaned up dinner. While she did this, the men stood in front of the sofa, looming over the teenager.

"What are you guys gonna tell him?" Edward asked, referring to his brother and the information he would be let it on.

"We're not going to tell him anything," Mustang said. He looked to Hughes to get the man to back him up on the decision. Hughes said nothing. "You're going to tell him what you've done."

"Me?!" Ed shouted. He was appalled the colonel would even suggest the thought of him telling his brother about it. He had been keeping it a secret from everyone for a reason, hadn't he?

"Roy's right, Ed." Hughes sighed. "You're going to need to tell your brother what's been going on."

Edward still hated the idea of it, and the thoughts of hate reached his mind. What if Alphonse was disgusted with the behavior? What if his brother thought he was crazy? He would never let the others know of his fears, but he still felt them.

"Can I go to bed?" Ed asked, his voice quieter than it had been moments ago when he was shouting.

"Of course you can," Hughes answered. "Your toothbrush is in the bathroom in the cup like always, and your dresser has all your clothes in it," he mentioned.

"Thanks," Edward said. He stood from the sofa, moving past the men to get up the stairs. He went straight to the bathroom, brushing his teeth and staring at himself in the mirror. His hair was a mess, his eyes were dull and dead looking, and he had bags under his eyes. He wondered why no one told him he looked like shit.

With a sigh, the teenager finished brushing his teeth, walking to his bedroom and grabbing pajamas. There was no way he would change his clothes in a bedroom with no door, so he walked back to the bathroom, pushing his weight against the door so no one could enter without his consent, and began to put his pajamas on.

His pajamas weren't really a set, consisting of a baggy white t-shirt and plaid stretch pants. It was good enough for him.

Back at the dorms or when he was only sleeping with Alphonse, Ed would usually sleep in a t-shirt and boxers. Al never looked close enough to see the scars on his arms, and the teen was an expert at keeping them out of view for when the younger brother decided he wanted to look closely at the body of his older brother.

Edward would never sleep in just boxers and a tank top with Elysia in the house, or even Gracia. He might if it was just Hughes.

He went off to his bedroom, moving the blanket so he could climb underneath the sheets, covering himself. His eyes were shut and everything was black, but he could hear the steps of someone walking in, and feel the dip of the bed when someone sat on it beside him.

"I know this is tough for you, Edward." The teenager knew that it was Hughes speaking. "We're trying our best to make things easier for you, but it's hard when you try to avoid things." He heard the man sigh. "But you can vent to your therapist tomorrow, alright?" Ed almost forgot about his appointment the next afternoon. "Night, Edward." The man walked out of the room.

* * *

The next morning the teenager was barely woken by a pat on his arm and the soft phrase of, "We're going to pick up Alphonse at the station," by Hughes.

He didn't get up.

Another pat on his arm with another soft phrase. "Alphonse's in the living room; he wants to see you."

He still didn't get up.

Everyone waited – Hughes kept Alphonse busy with conversation, and Elysia unknowingly helped by coaxing him to play with her.

Eventually, Edward awoke.

But he didn't want to get out of bed.

He was sure that Al was there, and the kid would definitely question him. _Why do you have bandages on your arms, brother? What happened that you went into a coma for? Are you alright? Are you behaving for the Hughes'? _Those weren't so bad. _You've been cutting yourself?! How could you, brother?! Why don't you treasure the life mom gave to you?! _Those were a little worse.

Ed sighed, pulling himself out of bed, grabbing his coat, pulling it on over the thick bandages, and walking to the living room. Alphonse was there, sitting on the sofa in front of Hughes and Mustang. _Damn, just like an interrogation. Sucks to be you, Al, but I was in the same spot last night, _Edward thought to himself. Then he wondered…_Are they telling him what's going on with me? _

"So brother's going to have to be in therapy?" Alphonse asked, seeming surprisingly calm. Ed stayed hidden on the staircase, eavesdropping.

"Yeah, and when he wakes up, we didn't want him to be bombarded with problems," Hughes answered. "We can take things slow. He probably doesn't want to talk about his issues right now."

"What are his issues?" Al asked. Of course, this was the first thing an Elric would want to know. About the other. But wasn't it like that with everyone?

"I don't really think it's my place to tell you. Just wait for Ed to tell you when he's ready," Hughes said. It was the complete opposite from what he and Mustang wanted him to do just one night before. _He must've just been going along for Mustang, _Edward thought to himself. Mustang _did _look like he wanted to spill the beans.

Ed took his chance, walking down the rest of the way of the stairs, clutching his jacket to himself.

"Brother!" Alphonse said with glee. The oldest Elric knew if his brother could, he would be smiling.

"Hey, Al…"

* * *

**I'm sorry for taking so long for such a short update! I've had so much going on. I was babysitting this weekend (couldn't work on the chapter). Then Spanish II is really kicking my butt. I'll probably have to actually try for the A's this term. See ya guys next time! **

**Next Update: 9.17.14**


	8. Chapter 8

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"Brother, please, tell me what's going on," Alphonse pleaded as he saw his brother, who was currently trying his very best to hide the bandages away from the younger brother.

"It's nothing, Al, they're just worrying about nothing," Ed fibbed, trying to fool his brother into thinking everything was alright.

"Ed, why don't you take Al up to your room?" Hughes suggested. It was the best suggestion the oldest Elric had heard all day.

"Good idea," Edward said, grabbing the gauntlet that was his brother's hand and dragging him up the stairs. The Elric then realized that his bandage was showing.

"Is that from your IV, brother?" Alphonse asked, catching a peek at the bandages underneath the red coat. "They must not have done it right!" It was obvious that the youngest Elric was worried about his older brother.

"I'll tell you everything that happened when we get away from everyone else…" Ed trailed off. He didn't want to tell Alphonse anything that had happened, but felt like he had to; he felt like it was his duty as an older brother to always be there for Al, and just couldn't do that if he was busy cutting up his body.

Soon enough, they were up the stairs in the bedroom of the oldest Elric. Edward had tried to shut the door so no one could hear them, growling to himself when all he had grabbed was wall. That's right, he thought to himself, they took it down.

"Brother, why is the door missing?" Alphonse asked, obviously noticing that the door was gone as Ed had tried to shut it.

"I think Gracia wants to redecorate or something. I didn't ask," he lied. Edward had asked. He had asked why Hughes had taken his door off and had thoughts of asking a million times until the door was put back on. He knew that wouldn't happen. The only way Hughes would put the door back on was for Ed to get better, and so far, that hadn't happened yet.

"They don't have to redecorate, the room looks fine," Al still hadn't caught on with Edward's lies yet. Good.

"Al, I gotta talk to you about something," Ed spoke softly, trying not to have anyone else listening in, which was hard when you didn't have a door.

"Is it about the hospital? I really wish they had better nursing staff. Why would they give you two IVs? And why would they hurt you so much giving them to you?" Alphonse was wracking his head trying to figure out an answer while Edward knew one all along.

"It is about the hospital, but it's not what you think," Ed said. He really didn't want to say it. "I was in a coma."

"I know that, brother," Edward knew Alphonse would have been smiling in amusement.

"It's not just that. I was in a coma and I was kept there for an extra three days…" he had never had to tell anyone the things he was planning on saying before.

"Of course they did, brother. They wanted to make sure you were okay. You can't blame them for that part," Alphonse laughed a little.

"Just listen to me, Al!" Ed shouted out. It was the first time in a long time he had yelled at his brother. Usually if he got frustrated, he would just go take care of business like usual, but this time, he yelled, and for some reason, he didn't regret it. Alphonse grew quiet, though.

"What do you want to tell me, brother?" Al asked in a soft quiet voice.

"I was kept in the hospital on suicide watch," Edward said quiet and slow. He heard his younger brother gasp softly. "I've been...having problems for a really long time, Al. That's why the door's off, that's why I was kept in the hospital, and that's why I have to stay with Hughes and go to therapy," he explained.

"...Those bandages aren't from an IV, are they?" Alphonse asked, just as quiet as he was before.

"No, they're not. I've been...c-cutting…" it was hard for him to even say to the boy. "for a long time, now." Edward managed out.

"How long?" Alphonse asked. There was a pregnant pause before Al began to shout. "HOW LONG?!"

Hughes then ran in the room.

"Calm down, Al," he said with that fatherly tone of his. "Look, we're just as shocked as you are, but right now we all need to be calm for Edward's sake."

"I want to know how long he's been doing this to himself! How long I haven't noticed!" Alphonse shouted once again.

"Three years…" Ed trailed off.

"Three years?!" Al cried out. "You've kept this from me for three years?!"

"Alphonse, we're all shocked, but we need to stay calm and keep it together for Ed," Hughes spoke once again. Edward had looked down at his lap, ashamed of what he had done. He could see the shadow of Mustang, knowing he was listening in, from just outside the door.

"Why don't we leave Ed alone for a little bit?" Gracia's voice sounded through the room. Edward could only assume that she had just arrived. "I'm sure he wants some time alone," she spoke.

"Get some rest, kiddo, your appointment is in an hour." Hughes ruffled Ed's hair, leaving him alone. Edward rested his head on the bed, moving his position to laying down, and shutting his eyes. Alphonse stayed with him for half an hour before he moved and left his brother to rest.

* * *

"I'm glad you came today, Ed," Clay said, holding a clipboard with a file in it, similarly to when he was in the hospital. The only difference was this office had personal family photos in it, and the one in the hospital didn't.

"Believe me, it wasn't my choice. I was forced in here," Edward responded honestly. The two twiddled their thumbs for the longest time. Ed was doing it to try to prevent speaking for as long as possible. Clay was doing it in an attempt to probe Edward out of his shell.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Clay asked.

"Talk about what?" Ed responded, his expression turning from plain to twisting into confusion.

"About how you were forced here," Clay answered. "How do you feel about being brought here today?"

"Honestly?" Edward asked.

"Honestly." Clay nodded.

"I feel like absolute utter shit," Ed groaned, sliding down in his chair. "I'm tired, I want to go home, and I want to sleep."

"Mister Hughes told me you napped before you came here and in the car on the way here today," Clay mentioned.

"I want to sleep forever."

"Isn't that a way of saying you want to die?"

"What's the difference?"

* * *

**I'm sorry I had to do such a short one for not updating for so long! I had to skip a day because I was exhausted, and then I found out I have a paper due on Monday and I didn't have time to work on this until literally today. So, I worked through two classes working on this paper, and I hope it's good enough!**

**Next Update: 9/24/14**


	9. Chapter 9

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"Edward, if you are telling me that you want to die, you know I'll have to write this down in your file as you being suicidal," Clay warned.

"So? You've already got it written that I want to die!" Ed cried out. He had barely woken five minutes ago and the exhaustion that was overwhelming him along with depression was not doing him any good.

"I didn't write down that you were suicidal, Ed." This got the Elric's attention. "I wrote down that you were depressed, and that you were self harming. That's all," Clay spoke. "Would you like to read your file?"

"Isn't that against a code or something?" the blonde asked, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"The good thing about me is that I live by my own code," Clay said. He lifted the clipboard that contained the notes he had been writing about the teenager, bringing it to the boy and dropping it in his lap. "Feel free to read over that as much as you like." Clay sat back down.

"You sure?" Edward asked. "This might be a trigger to myself."

"You make that decision. Besides, I heard you were a reader," Clay said calmly. He waited patiently, the teen's fingers running over the boarders of the clipboard, yet not moving to look at the file. "Don't you want to know what I've been writing about you?"

"...No…"

"And why not?" Clay asked.

"I don't want to see it...I want to get better…" Ed managed out. He stood, quickly handing Clay the file and wrapping his arms around his knees, pulling his legs on the chair.

"That's good," Clay said.

"It is?" Edward asked.

"Wanting to get better is the fuel to actually getting better." Clay smiled. "You'll be able to look at this file in no time," he said.

"Are you so sure?"

"I am."

* * *

"Brother?" Alphonse asked on the ride back to the Hughes residence. Ed had slept the entire ride there, so the younger brother couldn't talk to his only relative on the way to the therapist's office.

"What is it, Al? Something wrong?" Leave it to Edward Elric to be worrying about his younger brother on the ride home from his therapist.

"Can I see?" Alphonse asked. At first, the eldest Elric was confused. "Your...cuts…?" Ed gulped, placing an automail hand on his left wrist.

"Why do you want to see?" Edward asked quietly.

"I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn't there," Alphonse spoke. Ed looked up at the hollow armor with golden eyes before looking back down at his wrist.

"...Alright.." The blonde began to pick at the bandage on his arm, eventually getting it to come off. He worked at his own pace - slow. Soon enough, little red slits were shown to the world, covering the teenager's wrist and upper arm.

"Brother…" Al trailed off.

"I know, it's stupid," The teen wiped his eyes with the cool metal fingers of his right arm in hopes of keeping tears at bay. _Dammit, I'm so emotional lately…_ Edward thought to himself.

"It's not stupid, brother," Alphonse said sternly. "I should've been there. I should've done something. I should've noticed. God, I'm such an idiot!"

"You're not an idiot, Al!" Ed glared at his brother. "This was my fault. I did it, and kept it a secret from you. I'm sorry."

"We're almost home, boys," Hughes said from the drivers seat, wanting the brothers to stop arguing and yelling at each other. They were all they had, after all.

"Thanks, Hughes…" Edward trailed off. He rolled the bandages in a crumpled ball, and not wanting to just throw it on the floor of Hughes' car, he placed them in his coat pocket.

Wanting to keep the new-found peace of the car, Ed leaned against the car door, curling himself up and wrapping his arms around his knees once again. It was in this position that he began to slowly drift off into a slumber once again.

* * *

"He sure is getting a lot more sleep these days," Mustang commented as Edward was pulled out of the car by Hughes. The teen continued in a deep slumber.

"Well, what do you expect? He's tired. Plus, the doctor wants him to start his dose on those meds," Hughes mentioned as he balanced the small - but very heavy - kid.

"His meds?" Alphonse asked, hearing this for the first time.

"The doctor prescribed him some anti-depressants," Hughes answered.

"Even though I say he's too young," Roy commented once again.

"But he needs them," Hughes brought up in a tone that sounded like he had said this a few times.

"He's just a kid," the colonel said.

"We're not having this conversation right now, Roy." Hughes walked into the house to put Edward to bed.

"If brother was awake he'd say that you two sounded like an old married couple," Alphonse mentioned.

Roy raised an eyebrow. "Guess you'd know this better than anyone, huh?"

The metal armor clanked with a shrug. "I guess."

"Did you know? About the...cutting…?" Mustang asked. The silence brought upon by the question gave all the answers needed. "It wasn't your fault."

"I could have done something for him," Al responded. "I should have noticed when he wore all those sleeves…"

"But you didn't, and that's okay," the dark haired man spoke. "Like Hughes said, we just need to be here for Fullmetal now."

"Yeah…" Alphonse trailed off. He was unsure of even what to say, having never been alone with the colonel without his brother. Roy Mustang wasn't _his_ colonel. He was his _brother's_ colonel. Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist's colonel. Not Alphonse Elric, the younger brother's colonel. His brother always had something witty to say to the man. Not him.

"Let's go inside," Roy said, walking inside of the house. Alphonse followed quickly behind him.

Upon walking into the house, it seemed Hughes didn't make it as far as Edward's bedroom, placing him on the sofa and covering him with a blanket after removing his boots and coat. The teenager slept peacefully, though he was sure to grow uncomfortable with the restricting leather pants.

"What's the matter? Too old to make it upstairs?" Roy joked.

"We're the same age," Hughes responded calmly. The friend to the Hughes quickly grew quiet at the response. "Besides, it wasn't that I couldn't get him up the stairs. I want to know exactly when he wakes up."

"Why?" Alphonse asked.

"Because I don't want to give him him the time to find something to hurt himself with. I'm worried. Besides, I need to go through his stuff without him knowing," Hughes answered.

"You're gonna snoop on a teenager?" Roy asked, eyebrow raised. "I'm in."

The two men went upstairs to the guest bedroom that had become the property of the Elric brothers while Al stayed nearby the sofa with his older brother.

Hughes tackled the dresser drawers while Mustang took care of the closet. Hughes got underneath the mattress and Mustang got underneath the bed. Alphonse could look in the suitcase of the eldest Elric later.

"I got nothing," Roy said after looking through the closet. "You?" he asked.

"Just a bunch of clothes and a journal," Hughes answered.

"A journal? Are you gonna read it?" Roy asked.

"Please, I'm looking in his room for sharp objects, not for secrets about how he thinks girl hair smells nice." Hughes rolled his eyes.

"But doesn't it seem a little...clean in here for a kid who's hurting himself?" Mustang asked, sitting on the bed.

"What do you mean?" Hughes furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"He's cutting himself, and he has no sharp objects in his room? He's got to have a secret stash somewhere," Roy explained.

"That does sound suspicious. Where do you suggest we look?" Hughes asked.

"It could be anywhere," the colonel responded. He then cast a glance toward the teenager's suitcase. "You think?"

"It's possible...But we're leaving that to Alphonse. It's too personal," Hughes said.

"More personal than us looking through his bedroom?" Roy asked.

"That's different; he could have family keepsakes and memories in there. I don't feel right going through it," Hughes said.

"I do," Roy shrugged, heading toward the hunk of wood.

"I won't let you go through his stuff, Roy," Hughes blocked the colonel from reaching the belonging of the blonde teenager. "That's a huge invasion of his privacy that I would feel more comfortable Alphonse going through. They're brothers; we are not Edward's brothers."

"Alright, fine." Roy sighed. "But Alphonse needs to look at it before Fullmetal wakes up."

"Deal."

* * *

**Next Update: 10.1.14**


	10. Chapter 10

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

When Edward awoke, he was not expecting to be where he was. On Hughes' sofa with Alphonse staring down at him with such intensity - even if he was a hollow suit of armor with no facial expressions.

"You watching me sleep?" Ed asked, sitting up gently as to avoid hitting his brother.

"I always watch you sleep, brother," Alphonse responded. Edward smirked a bit to himself.

"Yeah, I guess that's true." Ed rubbed his automail hand over the flesh of his scars self consciously, only meeting bandages, yet not noticing. A person with automail tends to not feel anything with the metal.

"Brother…" Alphonse trailed off. Edward knew his brother wanted to ask him something he didn't want to hear. It was in the younger brother's nature to not ask anything he thought would result in a fight. It was a smart move to think about what he wanted to say before allowing it to go into the world, though. It was a skill that passed over the older brother's genetics.

"Spit it out, Al; I don't got all day," Ed said. He realized he should have said what he had just spoken a bit nicer, but it was already out there anyway.

"I was just wondering...If you needed help…" Alphonse was obviously having a hard time 'spitting it out', as Edward had so kindly said. "We could always go back to Resembool. Granny, Winry, and I could take care of you. You know we could brother."

"Al…" Edward sighed. "I know you guys could take care of me, but…" he trailed off, not knowing how to respond in a way that wouldn't hurt Al's feelings. After not thinking of what he spoke before it was out before, he wanted to make sure to let the youngest Elric down as gently as possible.

"I just want to stay in Central," he said. _Maybe Al won't give me too hard of a time if I just say it's what I want,_ Ed thought to himself.

"But, brother, we want to take care of you. You can be at home and you won't have to worry about the military any more," Alphonse said.

"Al, I have to worry about the military," Edward said, a bit too harsh now that he was starting to get worked up. Whenever they had an argument like this or when the military was brought up - _especially_ when the military was brought up - Ed grew tense and withdrawn. It wasn't the best move for Alphonse right now.

"You don't _have_ to…"

"Yes I do!" Ed shouted, cutting his brother off. "I have to worry about it because I need to get your body back. It was my fault, Alphonse, _it was my fault!"_

Gracia, taking this as an opportunity to step in, did so. "Al, do you want to help me in the kitchen? I'm making a roast for dinner and I remember you saying you wanted to learn how to cook," she spoke softly. It was her excuse of getting the boys apart for a bit.

"Sure," Al said, standing away from his brother and walking into the kitchen. Before Gracia left to follow the youngest Elric, she placed a hand on the eldest's shoulder.

"It's going to be alright, Ed. Just you see." She smiled, rubbing her hand in place for a moment before she walked away, leaving the teenager alone in the living room.

He hadn't even remembered what it felt like to be completely alone. Sure, it wasn't the same as being enclosed in a small space like he liked, but it was something else. He was alone in his bedroom, but the door was off, and he knew Hughes and Elysia weren't far away from him. This time, he couldn't hear anything. All there was was silence, and he liked it.

The feeling of immense pleasure that was running through Edward was suddenly shattered when Hughes walked into the room.

"Hey, Ed!" the man greeted with that big grin on his face. It was always the same with this guy - big grins while he laughed and joked around. Edward didn't understand how he could always be so happy. "How'd you sleep?"

"I slept fine, thanks," Ed said, trying not to pay attention to the adult. He just wanted the pleasurable silence once again. The silence he would never talk about with anyone; not even his therapist.

"You sure? You seem a little down," Hughes said. He walked around the sofa, sitting down beside the teenager.

"Of course I seem a little down. I'm being held hostage in your house when I could be working." Ed wanted to glare at the man. Hell, he wanted to hit the guy just so that he could go outside without anyone escorting him. But he wouldn't. Hughes was his friend, always looking out for him and his brother. How could he possibly get mad at the guy?

"You know we're only doing this for your own good, Ed." The dark haired man reached out to place his hand on his flesh knee, earning a hiss from the blonde. "What's wrong?" he asked immediately.

"It's nothing," Edward said, a little too quick for the comfort of the adult.

"Edward," Hughes said sternly. "What's wrong?"

"Can't you just believe me when I say it's nothing?" Of course Hughes wouldn't, but Ed didn't want it to get out. He thought his secret was already revealed when Hughes had seen him in that dress. It seemed like it had been years since then when in reality it was just a few weeks. The teenager didn't exactly love the way Hughes was getting stern with him, though.

"Believe me when I say I want to believe that it's nothing, but I can't. You've been hurting yourself for far too long, and now I don't know if I can believe what comes out of your mouth," Hughes spoke honestly.

"Wow, brutally honest, don't you think?" Roy smirked as he descended from the stairs into the living room. Hughes sighed, obviously not expecting it to become a taunt with his friend.

"Roy-"

"I found the stash," Mustang interrupted. He seemed happy to have been able to find it.

"What stash?" Ed asked, hoping they weren't talking about what he thought they were talking about.

"The one you hid with alchemy in your dresser," Mustang said. Hughes' eyebrows raised in shock. There _was_ a stash, and it had been in his house the entire time.

"Let me see," Hughes demanded. He wanted to see exactly what the teenager had been hiding in his home. Roy held his hand out, revealing the bloodied razors that had been Edward's comfort.

"That's not yours!" Ed shouted. He felt defeated, and he knew he was. It wasn't like he was planning on using them, they were just a cushion in case he _needed_ to use them. Now they were gone, resting in the bastard colonel's hands.

"They're not yours either, Edward." Hughes' eyes definitely had a cold glare to them when he wanted them to. "Roy, I want you to burn them."

"Don't!" Ed's eyes widened, honestly panicked that the last bit of thread he was still clinging to would disappear forever.

_And just like that, they were ash._

* * *

"Ed? Are you okay?" Hughes asked. It had been hours, it was dark outside, and the blonde was in bed, the blanket completely covering him. Roy had gone home, Alphonse was waiting in the living room while the father checked on the kid he thought of as a son. Gracia was reading in bed after cleaning up dinner, and Elysia was sound asleep in bed. "I know it was hard on you-"

"You don't know," Edward suddenly spoke. His voice sounded like he had been crying.

_He's embarrassed,_ Hughes thought to himself. "You're right, I don't know," the man spoke. He gave a soft sigh, regretting what he had done. He had ordered his friend to burn the blades the teen kept. Hughes had rationalized it at the time, telling himself that it was for Edward's own good and recovery, but was it really?

"Leave me alone?" The way Ed said it made it sound like a question. It probably _was_ a question, as it _was_ Hughes' house.

"Yeah, sleep well, kiddo," Hughes said. He made a silent promise to make this up to Edward before walking down to the living room.

"How is he?" Alphonse asked, immediately wanting to know about his brother.

"He's tired and embarrassed about the whole thing," Hughes answered honestly. "I think it would be best for him to be left alone for the rest of the night."

"You're right," Al said. His intentions _were_ to leave his brother alone, just not physically.

"Goodnight, Al. I'll see you guys in the morning," Hughes said before walking to his bedroom and going to bed with his wife.

Alphonse was well adjusted to the nights by himself. Usually he would read to pass the time, and sometimes he would write a little bit. He never thought to look in his brother's suitcase more than now.

Sure, he had seen what was in there before. Hell, he packed the thing all the time, lugged it around, and gave his brother items out of it. But did he ever think to look more closely for other objects? No. Because he trusted his brother. Trust_ed_.

Al waited outside the bedroom for his brother's breathing to even out, signaling that the State Alchemist was fast asleep. The youngest Elric then carefully took the suitcase out of the room, bringing it to the living room to search without disturbing the eldest brother.

He opened the metal clasp carefully, though there was no reason to. No one was around except for him at this point.

The suitcase opened and all the possessions Alphonse knew about were contained neatly. The metal pocket-watch sat neatly, hooked to a chain that always went around Edward's belt. There was clothing, books - mostly books - and a small compartment.

Now, Al had never thought to look in the small compartment. He figured his brother could do whatever he wanted - and that it was probably something he didn't want to know about, like inappropriate magazines. Well, the brother was right, it was something he didn't want to know about.

The hollow suit of armor carefully opened the small compartment, praying to see something besides what he did.

He was wrong.

There, in the compartment laid small razors and a handkerchief. The handkerchief had pink stains that Alphonse could only assume were once blood, and the razors were freshly cleaned.

"Brother...What have you done to yourself?" Alphonse asked himself quietly.

* * *

**Next Update: 10.8.14**


	11. Chapter 11

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"Okay, Ed, it's time to take your pill," Hughes said, holding out the tiny blue pill to the teenager. He knew he shouldn't have expected the kid to lunge at it, but he could show a little more enthusiasm.

"I'm not taking that thing," Edward said stubbornly. The parent sighed; he knew this was going to be a problem. He turned to Alphonse for a bit of help.

"Brother, please, if you don't take it, you might want to hurt yourself again…" the armor trailed off, unknowing of what to say to his elder brother. Edward continued with his stubborn streak.

"I told you guys I wasn't gonna do it again, and I won't. You just gotta leave me alone to do this on my own." The teenager leaned back in the sofa, turning his head away from the pill.

"But wouldn't it be so much easier if you had us here to help you?" Hughes asked. "You can lean on us for help, Ed. It's not a weakness," he reasoned. Apparently, Edward did not see it this way.

"No offense, guys, but I don't want your help," the blonde said, standing from the sofa and storming up the stairs to his bedroom. If the door was still attached he'd slam it, but it wasn't, so all the others heard was the creak of the bed denting in from the weight of the young alchemist.

Hughes sighed. "Guess he's not taking this then." The father threw the pill back into the container full of a one week supply, screwing the cap back on it.

"I'll try to talk him into taking it," Alphonse said. He stood from the sofa before the parent could get a word out, walking up the stairs. He also would have preferred the privacy of the door in this moment. He didn't want anyone to hear what he had to say.

"Brother." This seemed to get Edward's attention. He rolled onto his back on the bed so he could see his younger brother.

"What is it, Al?" Ed asked in a gentle tone. The last thing he wanted to do was upset the youngest Elric. Alphonse had what he wanted to say prepared since the night before.

"I found your razors in your compartment in the suitcase." Al held a hand up just before Edward could interject. "I'm not going to burn them like the colonel did to your other blades, but…" he trailed off. It was much easier planning what he was going to say before large golden eyes were looking up at him like a lost kitten. "I want you to stop using them. Please."

Deciding this conversation was best not done on his back, Edward sat up in bed, throwing his legs over the side so he could sit up completely. He sighed. Alphonse had found his stash. The stash he had been able to keep away from prying eyes for years had been found by his baby brother. It was something the teenager never wanted to expose Al to. Yet it had happened. And now he had to take care of it.

"Look, I said I was going to stop, and I will." It was now Edward's turn to pause. Though, unlike Alphonse, he _hadn't _been up all night preparing what he would be saying. He hadn't even had the _thought _that Alphonse would find his items. "I'll get rid of them myself, okay? Just…Just let me hold onto them a little longer," Ed pleaded.

Alphonse sighed, wondering what the others would say if they knew. He hadn't shown Hughes nor Roy of his discoveries. He had planned to keep it a secret between brothers. The two men didn't need to know of these items until it became completely necessary. Al could handle it all on his own.

"Alright, brother," Alphonse allowed. "But on one condition."

"Anything," Edward shot up immediately. He didn't want to lose these blades too.

"They stay with me and when you feel the need to use them, you'll come to me and we'll talk about it?" The way Al stated it, the condition almost sounded like a question. He wasn't quite sure Ed would go along with it, but when his brother was furiously nodding in front of him, he was shocked. Edward never listened to what he had to say – his big brother was always the boss. Alphonse let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you, brother."

"Al?" Ed asked quietly. It was unnatural how quiet the teenager was, yet Alphonse assumed it was his brother trying to keep quiet around everyone else.

"Yes, brother?"

"Will you get me my pill?"

There would have been a smile if possible.

"Of course, brother."

* * *

"How'd you do it?" Hughes asked as he gazed down at the sleeping blonde. The pill had caused Edward to fall asleep soon after taking it, as the doctor said it would do during dose for the first week.

"I just...talked to him," Alphonse said, his armor clanking as he shrugged. "We talked and then he asked me for his pill." There was no way the younger brother would betray his brother by telling anyone what they had been talking about.

"Well, whatever you did was genius," Hughes said before walking out of the room, leaving the brothers alone.

Alphonse could have smiled in that moment. This was how it should be. A brother being able to take care of his brother, knowing him more than anyone else. _If mom was here…_Al refused to let himself think of that. If their mother was there or even their father, Ed wouldn't have bothered to do this to himself in the first place.

"That's it," Alphonse whispered to himself so not to wake Edward. He made sure his brother was tucked in carefully under the blanket before walking downstairs. "Gracia?" he asked when he saw her in the living room doing Elysia's hair in ribbons.

"Yes, Alphonse?" Gracia responded quickly, yet not interrupting what she was doing. The skills a mother could possess.

"May I make a phone-call with your phone?" he asked. She smiled softly and nodded.

"Of course you can, Al," she said.

"Thank you." Alphonse quickly made his way to the phone, dialing a number he remembered Pinako reciting before waiting for the ringing to end. Finally, there was a voice on the other end of the line.

_"Hello?" _the voice asked. It was gruff, yet familiar to the armored teenager.

"Is this Van Hohenheim?" Al asked. His voice held an unsure squeak in its tone.

_"Who is this?"_ the voice asked in alertness. Now Alphonse _knew _that this was who he wanted to speak to.

"Alphonse Elric," he answered quickly. Al had hoped that if he did this as quickly as possible, they could get to the reason of his calling.

_"Alphonse? How did you get this number?" _Hohenheim asked.

"Granny Pinako gave it to me. She said if I ever had a problem I could call this number." This wasn't entirely true. Ed had gone digging around in Pinako's home when they were kids and found the number. Pinako had said if anything happened to their mother they could call the number, though no one had answered when they called right after their mother had died.

"Do you have a problem?" Hohenheim asked seriously. "Are you in trouble?"

"Well…brother and I do have a problem…" Al paused, unsure of what to say next. Unlike when he had spoken to Edward, he hadn't planned out this speech. This was a spur of the moment decision. He also wasn't sure whether or not to tell their father or not.

"Where are you? I'll come to you as soon as I can," Hohenheim said instantly.

"We're staying at a friend's house in Central," Alphonse answered. He quickly gave the address before hanging up the phone.

Al just hoped he had done the right thing by contacting their father.

* * *

"Ugh, what time is it?" Edward groaned as he forced himself to sit up in bed. It was obviously dark outside, as there was no light shining through the window, and he felt sore all over. The marks his automail left on his body suggested that the teen had slept in an odd position during the day, not moving.

"Midnight," Alphonse answered from where he sat beside the bed his brother resided in. "I didn't expect those pills to make you so sleepy."

"Yeah, they knocked me right out," Ed said with a yawn. He groaned a little, raising his arms to stretch.

"Mister Hughes said when you woke up it would be okay to take the bandages off of your arm," Al said, standing as quietly as he could and walking toward his brother. "Is it alright if I do it?" he asked.

"Uh…" Edward trailed off. He wasn't sure he wanted his brother seeing the scars and cuts once again. He _really _wasn't sure he was ready for the bandages to come off. They had restricted him from access from seeing the marks; not allowing him the feeling of panic as his cuts faded away.

"Can we wait until morning, Al?" Ed asked. He didn't want to make his brother upset. "If they need to be treated or something, I'd like a fully awake Hughes there if you don't mind," he covered.

"Sure thing, brother. You should probably try to get back to sleep," Alphonse said. He pulled the blanket out from under his older brother, tucking him into the bed gently.

"I'm not four, you don't need to tuck me in or anything," Ed said, though they both knew that he enjoyed the gesture. It wasn't too long that Edward had fallen asleep once again, and Al assumed the medication was still in his system and continuing to make him tired.

"Goodnight, brother."

* * *

**Next Update: 10.25.14**


	12. Chapter 12

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"Alphonse?" Hughes asked hesitantly when he walked into the room the boy was currently sitting in. The armor looked up to see the military investigation officer beside a man with golden blonde hair held in a ponytail wearing a brown trench-coat and staring down at him with golden eyes covered by glasses. It was a gaze Alphonse was faintly familiar with. "Who is this?" Hughes asked.

"Um…" Al trailed off. "Father?" The man raised his eyebrows in shock that his youngest son would even consider calling him by this name. The boy was just a toddler when he left his family, abandoning his wife and two sons.

"Hello, Alphonse," Hohenheim greeted. He didn't know what to do. He knew his son was in the armor - the armor he remembered residing in his study that he always told the boys not to play on - and he knew the armor was empty. His baby boy that he had left was just a soul now. A soul attached to the armor with a seal that could only have been done by his other son. "On the phone you told me there was a problem. What would you like me to help with?"

Al stood from his seat and began to walk toward the stairs.

"Do you think it's a good idea to bring him to Ed just yet?" Hughes asked. The man didn't know much about the relationship between Edward and his father, but he knew it was a strained one.

"Something's wrong with Edward?" Hohenheim asked, his eyes widening with panic. Though he had left his sons, his thoughts and affection for them had not ceased to exist. He was worried about his boy.

"Something's wrong with brother," Alphonse stated in confirmation. He began to walk up the stairs, Hohenheim following shortly after him.

Hughes sighed, hoping this was the right thing.

* * *

Ed sat Indian style on his bed, gazing down at his arm. Hughes had taken off the bandages, leaving the small red slits that were healing on his skin. With the bandages smothering them, they hadn't had a chance to heal since they were covered. Now they were going strong, beginning to scab up.

_At least he didn't find the ones on my legs,_ the blonde thought to himself. He could suddenly hear Alphonse walking up the stairs, and turned around to see him. His hands made the motions to cover the slits, but with no longer being permitted to wear long sleeves, he was unable to cover them.

"Al?" Ed asked when he saw his brother walk in. There was some way a suit of armor could make motions of looking panicked and worried. "What's wrong?"

"Brother, don't get angry," Alphonse said in a pleading tone. The eldest Elric was about to ask what he was talking about when their father walked into the room.

"Hello, Edward," Hohenheim greeted. He had been welcomed by his youngest son, but not by his oldest.

"What the hell is he doing here?!" Ed shouted. He stood from the bed, holding his left arm in his automail as if protecting it from harm. As if _Hohenheim_ would harm him.

"I thought he might be able to help, brother," Alphonse responded. "Pinako gave us his number a long time ago, and I thought it would be a good idea to have him here now."

"It's _not_ a good idea!" Edward shouted once again. "Him being here is the _last_ thing I need!"

"Edward, please, calm down," Hohenheim said gently before a pillow was thrown into his face. He hadn't seen it coming, but knew the only person in the room who would do such a thing was Edward.

"No, I'm not gonna _calm down_!" Ed shouted. "Get him out of here!"

"Brother, please," Alphonse started.

"This is _my_ room, _get him out!_" Ed shouted with a fierceness no one was expecting.

"I think it's time to leave him alone," Hughes said suddenly. He was standing just outside the door-frame, a cold expression pointed toward Hohenheim.

"Alright, I know when I'm not wanted," the father said. "Alphonse, if you need to contact me, I'll be at the Rojet hotel." Hohenheim handed Al a card with a number on it and promptly left.

"Brother, that was incredibly rude," Alphonse said once his father was gone.

"I don't care," Edward responded, now laying in bed, facing away from his younger brother.

"I don't understand what you have against him, Ed," the armor said with a sad sigh before leaving his brother alone with Hughes. The dark haired man sat at the end of the bed.

"I knew you weren't ready to see him," the man scolded himself.

"Then why would you let him come up here?" Ed asked.

"I honestly have no idea," Hughes answered. "Do you think you need to take a pill?" he asked. There was silence for a long moment before the boy began to speak.

"If I had it my way I'd say no, but…" he trailed off. Edward still had a hard time telling anyone his feelings. He honestly wanted to go talk to his shrink. "I wanna go see doctor Clay."

"I'll call him and make an appointment," Hughes said. Ed then sat up in bed and held a hand out for the pill bottle he knew was waiting for him. The dark haired man smiled a little, shook one out for the boy, and ruffled his hair. "Thanks, Ed. I'll call the doctor now."

"Thanks, Hughes," Edward responded before laying his body back into bed and welcoming the sleep that the medication began to induce.

* * *

"So you were the one who wanted to talk to me this time, huh?" doctor Clay asked when Edward was situated in his office.

"Don't get the wrong idea, doc," the blonde rolled his eyes. "I just had a problem and you were the only person I could think to talk to."

"Well, why don't you tell me what your problem was and I'll see what I can do to help you through it," Clay said, holding his notepad to write down what Edward would say.

"My brother called my dad," Ed managed out.

"And you have a bad relationship with your father?" Clay asked.

"Well…" the boy shifted in his seat, not knowing exactly what to say. "It's not that I have a _bad_ relationship with him...It's just…"

"You don't have a relationship with him at all?" Clay suggested. The teen quickly nodded in confirmation. "I see. So what do you feel about you and him developing a relationship?"

"It's really hard to explain…" Edward trailed off. "I guess I…" He couldn't finish his sentence.

"You know, Ed, when I was young, my mother wasn't apart of my life," Clay said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" the state alchemist asked.

"She finally came into my life when I was in college, after I made the decision to go to school for medicine and psychology," Clay continued. "And even though I knew my decisions were valid, I was scared that she would reject me for some reason or be disappointed in the decisions I made. I can only imagine what it must be like for you to have your father in your life so suddenly considering the circumstances," he finished.

"What makes you think I have the same feelings as you?" Edward asked, a bit offended.

"You don't have the same feelings as me," Clay said. "You have your own feelings. I was scared just because I was worried she would find a reason. I bet you're scared your father will find out about your cutting and reject you."

Ed gulped. He nodded. "Yeah, I'm scared."

"There's no reason to be scared," the doctor assured.

"And what makes you so sure?" the blonde asked. "You just said we don't have the same feelings or even the same circumstances. My dad could reject me in a heartbeat."

"I know because I'm a father," Clay said. "I have a wonderful son, just a few years older than you. He's made mistakes, but no matter what, I couldn't be more proud of the man he's become, and I'm glad I was there when he _did_ have problems."

Edward shifted in his seat, pulling his knees up to his chest. "Are you sure it's the same?"

"Of course I am."

Ed walked out of the office and sat in the waiting room beside Alphonse's armor while Hughes and the doctor talked like they did after every meeting. When he had first started seeing the doctor, the blonde had assumed that Clay was telling Hughes everything he had just told him in confidence, but soon found out that he would just update the father on progress and when he should set up the next appointment.

"How is he?" Hughes asked immediately. He didn't know whether to be relieved or worried that the teenager had volunteered to come and see the shrink.

"He's on edge. A little anxious," Clay said. "Has he been taking the anti-depressants?" he asked.

"Yeah, of course. He even stopped putting up a fight about them," Hughes answered with ease. He hoped he would get new news on the subject.

"Well, his anxiety worries me. Especially with his father being around. Have you noticed when he gets anxious he pulls his knees toward his chest?" the doctor asked.

Hughes was shocked; he hadn't noticed. "No."

"It's common. He's trying to protect himself without looking like it. There's a good chance it's not even something he's aware of," Clay explained. "I want him to start a new medication along with the anti-depressants to help control his anxiety. Whenever you see him start to feel anxious or when he comes to you feeling anxious, he should take a pill. I'll write him a prescription and have you let me know if it imbalances his anti-depressants." The doctor wrote up a prescription quickly on a doctor's pad and handed it to the father.

"Thanks," Hughes said. "I'll schedule his next appointment whenever he feels like seeing you."

"Alright," Clay said with a smile. "Oh, and mister Hughes. That boy, he's a good kid. Take care of him."

"Of course." Hughes gave a small smirk before leading both Elric boys to the car.

* * *

**Next Update: 11.4.14**

**I'm sorry the next chapter will take so long. I really pushed it with putting this up here just because I promised. I'm also babysitting next week, so won't have time to publish, and there's midterms going on right now. After midterms and babysitting, I've got Halloween, then my brother's birthday, and _then _I can post a chapter! See you guys then! :) **


	13. Chapter 13

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

Hughes dropped Edward off before he picked up the prescription for his anxiety medications. He didn't want the teenager to be angry that he would be taking _more _medication. When he finally returned, Ed was in his room, in bed.

"Ed?" Hughes asked. He didn't understand why the blonde was in bed so early in the day. He had already taken an anti-depressant induced nap for the day, and hadn't taken any medication since then. "What are you doing in bed?"

"Mustang's listed as my guardian too, right?" Edward asked. It was a sudden question the dark haired man wasn't expecting.

"He is," Hughes confirmed. His thoughts raced to understand just what the teen wanted.

"Can I go stay with him for a couple of days?" Ed sat up in his bed to face the dark haired man. Hughes felt for the kid.

"I'll call him and ask, alright?" Edward nodded, laying back down on the bed. "Do you need a pill?" Hughes asked, referring to the anti-depressants – the only pills Ed knew about for the time being.

"Those things make me too sleepy," Ed admitted.

"But do they help?" Hughes asked.

"If sleeping through the depression is curing it, then yeah." Edward rolled his eyes before closing them completely.

"Well, if you're just gonna sleep, why not take the pill anyway? You look pretty depressed to me," Hughes commented.

"I don't wanna take a fucking pill, alright?" Edward halfway sat up and glared at the man.

"Alright," Hughes said. "I'll go call Roy. Be back soon."

* * *

"These are his anti-depressants," Hughes said, handing the bottle to the colonel. "These are his anti-anxiety pills. The doctor told me that he's been holding his knees to his chest whenever he's anxious, so you need to keep an eye on him."

"I think I know how to take care of a teenager, Hughes," Roy said, rolling his eyes.

"Not a teenager like this one," the green eyed man said seriously. The colonel grew wary. "I'll get Edward." Hughes walked up the stairs, seeing Ed sitting on his bed, fully dressed – shoes and all – with a small overnight bag. "Ed? Did you change your mind?"

"No," the teenager said suddenly. He was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "I don't want Al to come with me…"

"Why not?" Hughes asked, sitting on the bed beside the blonde. He assumed it was because of stress the younger brother could have been putting on his older brother. Or maybe it was because Alphonse had called their father. It could have even been because Edward just didn't want his brother to see him this way.

"I can't tell you," Ed said softly. "Tell him that I just can't know it's there. He'll know what it means."

"If you're sure," Hughes said. Alphonse had left the house earlier that morning telling the family that he was going to see Hohenheim. The dark haired man placed a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Any time you want to come back, you just call, alright?"

"Of course, Hughes," Ed smirked. Hughes could see that it was a sad smirk. He had seen those eyes when he and Roy were in Ishval. All those soldiers had those eyes, including his friend who was now a colonel.

Hughes walked with Edward to the living room where Roy was waiting. The man seemed shocked when he first saw the kid. He hadn't seen him in a while, but when the colonel saw his subordinate…he felt terrified for the boy.

The first thing Roy noticed where Ed's eyes. He remembered when he saw those eyes when Edward was just ten – years old. He had seen past the dullness and horror in the boy's eyes and seen fire and determination. Now those eyes were just dead.

"Let me get your bag, Ed," Roy said, grabbing the bag from Hughes' hold. He carried it out of the car, wondering how he would get through the days looking at those eyes if he could barely get through a greeting. Sighing, the colonel knew this wasn't his problem. His problem was keeping the kid alive when he wanted to die.

When Edward got into Mustang's car, the first thing he did was hunch himself toward the window. Roy knew that Hughes said to watch out for the kid holding his knees, but did hunching himself count? He guessed it did. The blonde probably felt anxious because he was going to a new place. A completely new environment.

_This was his choice, _Roy thought to himself. _Why should I care about his decisions? _But he _did _care. Of _course _he _cared_. Ed was his subordinate. Practically his _kid_.

It was a short drive until they reached Roy's house. A small three bed two bath house with a large backyard. _Hell, maybe Hughes thought this was a _good _idea with all the space here_, Roy thought once again.

"Here, I'll show you where you'll be staying," Roy said. He got out of the car before he even realized the kid was sleeping against the door, unable to comprehend anything he was saying.

"Once a pain in the ass, always a pain in the ass, right?" The dark haired man chuckled to himself. He opened the door, gently catching Edward as he fell out, and carrying him to the guest room he would be staying in.

Mustang removed Ed's boots to make him a little more comfortable. Remembering that Hughes would always remove the belt the boy wore to hold his long pants up, the colonel repeated the actions. Removing anything else was just too weird for the time being.

After the kid was in bed and comfortably sleeping, Mustang went back out to the car to retrieve Edward's bag. After a brief internal conflict, he opened the bag and went through it to search for any weapons the teen could use against himself. After discovering none, the colonel took the bag to the guest room, throwing it in the closet.

"You _are _a pain in the ass, Elric," Roy sighed. He walked out of the room the teen was sleeping in before a golden eye slipped open.

_I _am_ a pain in the ass, _Edward thought to himself.

* * *

When Edward awoke, the sky outside the window in his guest room was dark, and he assumed it was night.

"Man, I slept for a while," he said to himself, stretching his automail out best to his ability.

"Are you awake?" Ed heard Roy ask before the dark haired man popped his head into the room. "Oh, hey, you slept for a while."

"Why'd you let me sleep?" Edward asked.

"You were tired; I figured it could have been from any medicine you took or maybe stress…" the colonel trailed off. Ed stood from the bed, noticing he was no longer wearing shoes or his belt. Hughes often removed these items, and when he felt bolder, would remove his pants. Luckily he hadn't done that since the teen began staying in his home.

"I haven't had any meds since this morning," Edward said casually before looking around the room. "Nice place."

"You should see the outside of this room before you judge," Mustang said, rolling his eyes. He motioned a hand to follow him as he left the room. Edward followed. "The bathroom's the first door on your right on the way out of your room. My room is straight across. To the left is the living room which leads to the kitchen. There's a TV and fireplace if you ever feel like doing anything with that and a pretty large backyard with a swimming pool."

"Damn, you really do know how to live well despite not having anyone living here with you," Ed said, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, a colonel such as myself needs to keep up appearances in Central. Plus it's nice to have a good place to bring the family home." Roy shrugged.

"Didn't think of you as a family guy, Mustang," Edward responded.

"My brother and I have our moments, but I don't really care for my father. My mother visits whenever she wants to set me up with someone from my hometown," Roy said with another shrug. "Speaking of family, I thought you and Alphonse were attached at the hip."

Ed shrugged. "I can't really see him right now."

Roy raised an eyebrow. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. The colonel figured if he could do anything it was listen to the kid's rants.

"Not to you, no," the blonde said. His voice became softer with every passing minute.

"What about your therapist? Will you talk to him?" Roy asked. The teenager nodded before shrugging a little.

"Wanna watch TV? I'm going to make us something to eat," the colonel announced. He led the teenager to the living room, leaving him with a remote, to make their meals.

Edward sat quietly on the sofa, flipping through channels on the television set until he found something loud enough to drown out any noises from the kitchen. He watched something boring while absentmindedly rubbing automail fingers over his scars. Even if he couldn't feel them, he still knew they were there.

Eventually Roy came back out and announced that dinner was ready. He showed Ed the kitchen before they sat down to eat their dinner.

"So, I heard you've been doing pretty well in your therapy," Roy commented as they began to eat.

"Is that all you talk with Hughes about?" Edward asked. The colonel shook his head.

"It's just what we've been speaking about lately," the man responded honestly. "He hasn't told you yet, but you've been given more medication to take."

"What?!" Ed suddenly shouted. Roy paid no mind – the teen often had outbursts like this when they were in the office together.

"Look, I know that you don't like it, but-"

"Is that your goal? To get me so doped up on drugs I'm a zombie and can't even do anything?!" the blonde continued to shout, interrupting the colonel.

"No, that's not our goal," Roy said with a sigh. "Our goal is to ensure that you're healthy and not hurting yourself."

"So you'll do anything to get that done, huh?" Ed asked, glaring at the man with cold eyes. Mustang was just glad they didn't look dead anymore.

"Edward, if you don't take your medication and stop hurting yourself, I will have no choice but to recommend you be placed in a hospital for your treatment and therapy," Roy warned. Suddenly the teenager was quiet.

"Would you really do that?" he asked softly. Edward seemed to be retreating back into his reservation shell. The shell the older man was desperately trying to keep him away from.

"Ed, if you don't go through with your treatment, I'll have no choice." Roy sighed. "What if one of these days, while you're cutting yourself, you hit a vain? What if there's so much blood that you bleed out and someone has to find you like this. What would you do if it was Alphonse who found you?" Roy asked. "Who would restore your brother's body?" This one really hit home.

The teenager sighed this time. "_I'm _going to restore Al's body. No matter what."

"That's why you need to stop this shit and get better for Al's sake," Roy said.

"Fine." Ed then stood from the table and walked back to the guest bedroom to fall asleep once again. He felt sick to his stomach.

Edward sat on the bed for what felt like hours. He knew that Mustang had already gone asleep, and even though the talk of what would happen to Alphonse was fresh in his mind, he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming pressure.

The teenager's thoughts returned to his father. Hohenheim. Van Hohenheim. The man who left them high and dry when he was five. The man who caused their mother so much pain.

_"Edward!" Trisha called out in shock, hiding her arms behind her back. The six year old boy looked confused up at his mother. _

_"Mom?" Ed asked. "What's on your arms?"_

_Trisha sighed, walking toward her son and holding her arm out. Three red slits lingered on her left wrist. "Mommy's just sad that daddy's not here right now. So when mommy gets sad, little angels come and kiss her." _

_"And the kisses leave these marks?" Edward asked, gently running his fingers on her slits. _

_"Yeah, baby, the kisses leave these marks." Trisha wiped a few stray tears. "But mommy's going to be okay because the angels are making sure she stays happy." _

_"Okay, mommy." The blonde boy smiled along with his mother. He wouldn't realize until he was a teenager that his mother's smile was a false one all along. _

Suddenly Edward was pulled out of his thoughts. He let out a soft gasp at the damage he had done to himself while he was trapped in his own thoughts. The automail arm that Winry had created for him was transmuted into a blade that the teenager often used in fights with his well-known enemies. His left arm was slit open, blood pouring out onto the bed.

"Ro…" Ed whispered out, trailing off in shock. He stood from the bed, walking down the hall – his arm dripping blood onto the floor all the while – to Roy's bedroom. He opened the door, walking toward the bed.

Gently, so as not to hurt the man, yet not being able to transmute with one of his arms dripping blood everywhere, he grasped Roy's exposed shoulder. The raven haired man jumped up, staring at the teen with wide eyes.

"Edward…" he trailed off, unsure of what to say or do.

"I didn't mean to…I didn't mean to…" Ed repeated until his eyes rolled in the back of his head and he began to fall.

* * *

**Next Update: 11.12.14**


	14. Chapter 14

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

It's that familiar beeping noise that snaps Ed out of his deep sleep. He had dreamt of a time when his mother was alive. When his family was happy. It was long ago, but there had been a time when they were happy. When he and Alphonse were toddlers and their father was around. Their mother had brought joy into their lives, even continuing to do so afterward despite the emotional depression she had felt, caused by their father's disappearance.

Edward wanted to be angry. He wanted to snap out of his comatose state and punch his father in the face, but this is not what happened. He felt drowsy and unable to move.

Golden eyes opened, revealing a hospital room. Another white, dreary, dull hospital room. Ed tried to sit up in bed, discovering that his left arm was strapped to the bed in a restraint and his right arm was completely removed.

"Wha…?" he trailed off, not sure how to get his words out. Before, he had felt like punching his father. Now, Edward just felt like crying. His arm that was given to him was taken away. The arm he cherished so much – well, as opposed to having no arm at all – was gone, and he was once again resorted to being handicapped. "What the fuck happened to me arm?!" he shouted out so suddenly that there were doctors and nurses in the room before he could even blink.

"Edward, how are you feeling?" a doctor asked. This was not Doctor Clay. Ed wanted Doctor Clay. He was familiar with Doctor Clay.

"A little fucking confused, doc," Ed said with a groan as he pulled against the restraint of his arm once again.

"Please stop that, mister Elric, we're trying to make this as comfortable as possible for you," a nurse said gently. Edward couldn't give a rats ass what they were trying to do for him.

"If you really wanted to make me comfortable you would tell me where the fuck my arm was!" Edward shouted out. He continued to pull on the restraint, hoping that someone would release him. "Where's Mustang? Hughes? Where are they?!"

"Mister Elric, your guardians are waiting outside the room," the nurse answered, still in the same gentle tone she was struggling to keep.

"Get Mustang and Hughes!" Ed shouted. The doctor turned to the nurse, sighed, and nodded. The nurse disappeared before the teenager's eyes. He was alone with this doctor. "What happened? Why am I in the hospital?"

"You attempted suicide, mister Elric. One of your guardians brought you in here as fast as he could and we've managed to give you stitches in your arm," the doctor began to explain.

"Where the hell is my automail arm?" Ed interrupted the doctor. The man sighed.

"As you are an alchemist, we were worried of your attempts to escape by using your alchemy. As a suicidal person, we noticed it could be used as a weapon, as you had done during your suicide attempt."

"Why do you keep fucking saying that?!" Edward shouted. "I didn't _attempt _a _suicide_!"

The blonde's golden eyes were suddenly drawn toward the door that Hughes and Mustang walked through. He immediately noticed that Roy was not only wearing a white t-shirt as pajamas, but the coat of blood that pooled around the stomach portion.

"Holy shit…" Ed trailed off. He didn't even remember what had happened.

"Thank god you're all right," Roy said softly. Hughes was immediately at the boy's side.

"Ed, I am so sorry for not being there for you during this, we should have been around when you needed us," Hughes apologized.

"You don't need to apologize, damn," Ed said. He felt guilty for this. Though he still had no recollection of the events from that night, he knew that he had cut himself, and that it had ended badly.

"Edward, I'm sorry," Roy apologized this time. "I should have been awake for you."

"Look, I really don't even remember what happened," Ed finally admitted. The two guardians immediately looked to the doctor for an explanation.

"The shock is probably blocking his memory from last night. It's very common for these things to happen and usually the memories come back during a few therapy sessions," the doctor explained.

"Where's Doctor Clay?" Edward asked suddenly. All eyes were on him in that moment.

"Doctor Clay is being reviewed on his case files of you. His continuation on your case is being determined by a team of psychiatrists," the doctor answered.

"Who will I see while that happens?" Ed asked.

"You'll be seeing a psychiatrist whom is on the team. He will monitor you and decide if Doctor Clay's records of you are accurate. If they are, they will decide to continue your appointments with him."

"What's going to happen for now?" Hughes asked.

"Since this appears as a suicide attempt," the doctor began, waiting for anyone who would interrupt. No one did. "We'll be placing him in a special facility of the hospital where kids his age are that have done this."

"Oh god, there's more people like this?" Roy asked. The doctor only nodded.

"We'll place him in that facility where he'll be given his regular medications on a schedule. I know Doctor Clay just had him take the medications whenever he was feeling anxious or depressed, but he should really be taking them regularly. We're also prescribing him different anti-depressants, and after three days of being monitored by a new psychiatrist in this facility, we'll decide if he's ready to go home," the doctor explained.

"So we have three days to decide where he'll be going when he gets out," Hughes said.

"I think that should be Edward's choice," Roy said. "Don't you think?" he asked, turning toward the boy as a show that the question was directed toward him.

"I want to go back to Mustang's," Ed answered.

"Are you sure?" Hughes asked. The teenager nodded.

"Am I gonna get my arm back when I get to this facility?" Edward asked the doctor.

"Well, unfortunately since you've used it as a weapon, we cannot condone it. You can keep your leg, though," the doctor answered.

The teenager sighed. "Fine."

* * *

"Here's your pill, Edward," the nurse spoke gently as she handed the blonde a small cup of pills and a plastic cup of water. He stared down at them, obviously not wanting to take the medication. "Please, Edward, if you just take your medication, it will make your stay here a lot faster."

"I haven't even been able to see my brother yet and you want to drug me up on anti-depressants?" the teen asked, glaring at her.

"You'll be able to see your brother and guardians at visiting hours. Now, please take your medication so that you can sit in the dayroom," the nurse said.

Ed sighed, taking the medication from the nurse so that she would leave him alone. He didn't want to take his medication; he just wanted to be left alone. The teenager was in an unfamiliar area with people constantly watching him – including those of his own age – and still getting adjusted to the stitches on his flesh arm and the lack of his automail one.

"You new?" a kid asked from one of the chairs in the dayroom. Edward blinked. He hadn't expected anyone to actually speak to him.

"Uh, yeah," Ed said. A sudden realization came to him that besides Alphonse and Winry, he hadn't really been around anyone his own age. When he was a kid, sure, but as an adolescent – it was a rarity that he could actually get away from the office or from his missions _to _socialize.

"My name's Oliver," the kid with brown hair and bright blue eyes said. "You can sit down if you want. We don't bite," there was a pause. "hard."

Edward feigned a laugh. "Funny." The kid – Oliver – smiled.

"That _was_ funny." Oliver gestured to a chair beside him. "Seriously, though, sit." The blonde took the order and sat beside the only other kid he had spoken to. "So, how old are you?"

"Fifteen," Ed answered. "How about you?"

"I just turned twelve a few months ago. So…why are you here?" Oliver asked. Edward clenched his flesh fist and tried to hide himself. It was bad enough that he _was _there, but he definitely didn't want anyone to know he was there either.

"It's none of your business," Ed suddenly said, not expecting to sound so rude.

"It's okay," Oliver responded. "I'm here because I tried to kill myself a few days ago."

"But your twelve…What possibly could have happened to make you want to do that?" Edward found himself asking. He hadn't meant to ask. In fact, his whole idea when he first arrived was to just slip into a corner and disguise himself until the doctors let him leave.

"The people at my school called me names and made me feel really bad about myself," Oliver answered. "When I tried to get help, people just told me that it didn't happen to boys, so they ignored me. I guess I got sick of everything, so I tried to kill myself," Oliver finished explaining.

"I'm real sorry that happened, Oliver," Ed said softly.

"It's okay. The doctors are taking me serious here, and I'm getting the help I need now," Oliver said. "So…" he trailed off. "Are you gonna share with me now that I did with you?"

"No," Edward said. He felt touched the kid wanted to come to tell him this, but still did not want to share his personal problems. His whole life since his mother died had been him trying to _keep _his personal problems _from everyone else._ He wasn't about to blab it to some twelve year old who happened to have a suicide attempt just days before.

_But you had a suicide attempt not even twenty four hours ago, _Ed thought to himself. He shook the thought of his head. _You weren't trying to kill yourself, it was an accident. _

"That's okay, I can still be your friend anyway," Oliver said.

"Friend?" Ed asked suddenly. He had never had a friend besides Winry; no one wanted to take the time for him. He was confused. This kid wanted to be friends?

"Yeah, I mean while you're here. I'm permanently resided here, so I'll be here until I'm either eighteen or I get better. But you're only temporary, so we can be friends while you're here, okay?" Oliver let out a big dopey smile and Edward sighed.

"Alright, we can be friends."

* * *

**Hey, guys, I wanted to let you know that I didn't have time to run this through a recording, so I couldn't check for any spelling errors that weren't caught in the spellcheck or any errors overall. Please let me know if you find an error, since I would be more than happy to run through it later, but I really wanted to update this in time like I said I would. Happy [late] Halloween! And happy [early] Thanksgiving! :)**

**Next Update: 11.26.14**

**I'm really sorry that I have to skip yet another week! School is coming to a close and I need to pass these classes, so I need to take a lot of time to study. I apologize, and I will definitely start posting regularly again by the time school gets out! I'm hoping to have this story done before January, but you never know, this might just continue into 2015 if you all keep reviewing! I love you all, thank you for the reviews that I don't have time to respond to, you're the best! **


	15. Chapter 15

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"Brother, I'm so sorry, I thought colonel Mustang would keep you safe," Alphonse said during visiting time. Edward rolled his eyes. He loved his brother, he really did, but lately Al was getting on his nerves by being overprotective. That was Ed's job.

"That's not what happened, Al, I don't even remember it," Edward said. "The doctor's reviewed my case and he says I can leave in a couple days with the promise to continue my appointments at therapy. As soon as they work out who exactly my therapist is going to be, I can leave," Ed explained.

"I just want you to know, brother, that Mister Hughes' house is completely ready for you when you get back," Al said. "And maybe we could even go to Resembool…" he trailed off.

"I'm not going back to Resembool, Al," Ed glared. "I'm staying in Central, where my job is."

"But what about where your friends are?" Alphonse asked. "Because…I won't be here when you get out."

"You're just gonna leave while I'm in the hospital?" Edward asked. "Fine. Go. Leave like you always do whenever something bad happens."

"I've been here for years, Ed!" Al shouted.

"Because you needed me to fix you!" Edward's glare hardened. "You were here and I was here for you in your time of need, but now that I'm sick, and now that _I _need help, you're just gonna leave and go to Resembool!"

"I want you to come _with _me!" Alphonse shouted back at his brother. He pushed away from the table and walked out of the hospital.

"That's one hell of a family reunion," Oliver said from a different table. Ed sighed.

"You're telling me. We used to be so close, but as soon as everyone found out that I was…sick…he freaked out," Edward said. "At first he was just overprotective, and now he's starting to get on my nerves."

"I used to have a brother like you, ya know," Oliver mentioned. "He was sick before me, and I tried to talk some sense into him; I wanted him to spend more time with our family and just be like how he was before."

"What happened?" Ed asked.

"Oh, he shot himself last May."

There was silence until the nurse called Oliver over for his medication. Edward sighed, sitting by himself. He wanted to get out of the hospital, but a part of him thought he would do something like this again. He would hurt himself. He would kill himself. He would do anything. The automail was a hell of a weapon and there was nothing anyone could do to truly prevent him from killing himself.

"Hello, Edward," a woman in a doctor's coat said as she sat down. "My name's Nancy and I'll be your therapist for now."

"What happened to Doctor Clay?" Ed asked.

"He'll be off duty for a while. The team deciding whether or not he would continue your treatment allowed him to, but he had some family issues," Nancy explained. Edward couldn't complain; she was a rather pretty girl. Olive colored skin with long brown ringlets. He could see her eyes were a faint green.

"So, since they picked you to be my therapist, I guess I'll get to leave soon, huh?" Edward asked.

"Well, I'll have to evaluate you before you leave, but you should be out of here by either tonight or tomorrow. It just depends on when I get your paperwork in and when the head doctor reviews it," Nancy said.

"So let's get to evaluating," Ed responded.

"Well, Edward, I just need to know how you're doing with the adjustments and make sure you aren't going to harm yourself anymore. How have you been without your automail?" Nancy asked first.

"Well, to be honest, things have been pretty shitty," Edward answered. "I can't do things that I can usually do by myself without it. It's frustrating and I want the thing back."

"Well, luckily for you, we'll be returning it to you tonight. Your mechanic has agreed to come by and put it on for you," Nancy said.

"Winry's coming here?" Ed asked. He hadn't been expecting this, and was definitely worried about what she would say. He knew she would just try to get him to come back to Resembool for treatment.

"Yes, she arrived in Central the other night and has been staying with your guardians," Nancy informed the teenager. Edward groaned.

"Fucking fantastic."

* * *

**Sorry guys, this was a really short chapter I just finished. I was wrong, the day before Thanksgiving is the worst time to write a chapter. I had to clean to get ready for my relatives and go pick up the dinner and set up tables, and I _still _have work to do. **

**Next Update: 12.15.14**


	16. Chapter 16

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

"Edward!" Winry cried out when she arrived to the visiting table. Ed could only groan. She didn't have her suitcase of automail parts like she usually did. He could only assume they were confiscated until it was time for the procedure, which the nurses told him would be noon. "I can't believe you didn't call and tell me you were in a place like this!"

"Not a lot of time to call someone around her," Ed spat out. Honestly, he didn't want to call her. She was happy without him, and knew she would only become upset if he were around. "A lot of people like to make phone calls, and only so many get chosen a day, ya know?"

"No, I don't know, Ed," Winry said. She sat down at the visiting table and placed a hand over Edward's flesh one. He couldn't bring himself to tear the hand away from her. "You should have called me, granny and I could have taken care of you. Granny's legally a doctor, she could have been your supervisor and everything."

"I don't want to drag family into this, Win," Edward said. "You and granny are my family. I don't want you guys to handle this problem when it's on me. I have to deal with it."

"But you don't have to deal with it alone, Ed," Winry responded. Her soft smile was infectious, causing him to smile back at her. "We can be here for you. I know Alphonse wants you to come to Resembool-"

"For Christ's sake," Edward interrupted. "I don't want to go to Resembool!"

"I know Alphonse wants you to come to Resembool," Winry started again, pretending she wasn't just interrupted by the furious teen. "I also know you don't want to go. I want you to be happy, Ed."

"Believe me, I want to be happy," Edward said with a sigh. "Look, when they let me out of here, I'm going back to Hughes' house. I want you to go to Resembool and take Alphonse with you."

"Why do you want me to take Alphonse?" she asked.

"Because I can't have him here. I just need some time to heal on my own," Ed said quietly. "When I finish dealing with everything, I'll fix everything with him."

"Alright, Ed."

* * *

Hughes was waiting when Ed was released from the hospital. For some reason that the blonde didn't understand, he expected both Hughes and Mustang. A part of him knew the only reason his commanding officer wasn't there was because of him. He was sure the colonel thought this was his fault for not watching him.

The doctors removed the stitches before he was released. Hughes was allowed to be around when they did this, and while the nurses encouraged Hughes to hold Edward's hand, they both knew that wasn't going to happen. Ed was far too frustrated to hold hands during this.

"Winry took Alphonse back to Resembool with her yesterday," Hughes announced during the car ride home. He wanted the teenager to stop looking out the window with a moody look. "So when you get back, it'll just be the four of us."

"She did?" Ed asked. He hadn't known Winry was going to be gone as soon as he got back. He knew she wouldn't have wanted to do that on her own, and assumed she had only done that for his wellbeing. "Bet Al put up a pretty good fight."

"Well, she convinced him it was better for your healing," Hughes said. "The doctors gave me your anti-depressants too. They said you should know a difference by morning."

"That's good," Edward said just as they pulled into the driveway of the Hughes' household. He sighed. All the work he went through and he was right back here. At the start. "Where's Mustang?"

Hughes seemed to freeze at the question. "He's at work. I took a week off to be here for you, and he said he'd take next week off."

"Cool." Edward got out of the car and walked through the front door. He was immediately greeted with Elysia.

"Hi, brother," she greeted with a large grin on her face.

"Hey, Elysia." Ed knelt to her size and smiled at her, placing his flesh hand on the top of her head.

"Are you gonna stay with us again?" the little girl asked. Edward nodded.

"The doctor says it's best if I stay here," he answered.

"Your room's just the way you left it," Hughes said, walking into the house with the bag of Ed's clothing. "Just take your pill and you can go relax."

Edward paused. He hated the pills simply because they revealed just how weak he was when it came to his emotions, yet knew they were necessary for everything to stop and for him to get back to finding the Philosophers stone.

After taking his pill, Ed was quick to get up the stairs. He noticed Gracia had made his bed with freshly washed sheets before he had arrived back, and quickly made his way to laying down on it. After being in the hospital for so long, it was nice to be able to relax.

"Comfortable?" Hughes asked. Edward rolled over, noticing Hughes standing in the doorway.

"What happened to Hohenheim?" Ed asked suddenly. Alphonse had been spending time with him away from the Hughes residence, but hadn't heard of him after he was placed in the hospital. He knew Al had gone away.

"He went back to Resembool with Alphonse and Winry," Hughes answered.

Ed sighed in relief. "That's good. I didn't like him here."

"I know you didn't, buddy," Hughes said, sitting down on the bed beside the teenager.

"Thanks for everything, Hughes," Edward said softly.

"Anything for you, Ed."

* * *

**Sorry I updated a day late; I just couldn't get the chapter finished in time. I ended it in a spot I didn't want to end it in, but next week, it'll be better. I'm off for a month for a winter break, so I'll try to update regularly. Thanks for sticking with this story for so long! Looks like it'll end up going into the year 2015 yet. **


	17. Chapter 17

**This contains graphic content such as: Self harm, nightmares, and self hate. If you do not want to read anything containing this content, please do not read, as I do not want to offend anyone. **

* * *

_"Brother, I'm not mad that you don't want to see me, I just want you to focus on yourself and be okay again," _Alphonse said whilst on the phone with his elder brother.

Ed sighed. "I-It's gonna be alr-r-ight. I just hate these goddamn p-pills-s."

_"They're still making you stutter?" _Al asked. He had been complained to during their daily phone calls. Edward had told his younger brother that they couldn't see each other for now, but wouldn't stop speaking on the phone.

"Uh huh." Edward looked around the room to make sure no one was in earshot before he spoke again. "I f-feel like we're g-getting really behind on the philosoph-phers st-stone."

_"Colonel Mustang told me he was digging into some research for us with his higher rank, and I'm still researching whatever I can from Resembool,"_ Alphonse explained. _"You just focus on getting better." _

"Y-You guys treat me l-like a canc-cer patient or s-s-something." Edward groaned.

_"Don't talk like that, brother," _Al said. _"Go to your appointment." _

"Alright, t-talk t-to you t-tomorrow, bro," Ed said just before he hung up, slipped his shoes on, and made his way to the living room where Hughes was waiting for him. "Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize for talking to your brother, Ed," Hughes said with a smirk. "You ready to go?"

"Y-Yeah."

"Nervous about the new therapist?" Hughes asked just after they entered the car.

"A little," Edward said. "S-She doesn't know me."

"Your other therapist didn't know you before either," Hughes said. "Just be yourself, she's here for you to vent. I think she'll be good for you now that your pills are all balanced out."

"Uh huh, the pills are definitely doing s-something." The blonde rolled his eyes.

"It's a good thing, Ed."

Edward felt something deep in his stomach drop when they arrived to the office of his new therapist. For some reason it felt too…professional. Maybe a little too fancy. It just didn't feel right to him.

"Come on, Ed," Hughes said, getting out of the car. Just when the man felt like he had to drag his charge out of the car, the blonde teenager got out and shut the door behind him. Ed could feel anxiety follow him as he walked through the double doors into the office.

* * *

"Why do you seem so distant, Edward?" Nancy asked after a few minutes of Ed being silent in her presence. Hughes had promised to wait outside of the office, like he always did during the sessions. Ed found himself wondering what the man did while he was waiting for him.

"Huh?" Ed asked.

"You seem out of touch today," the woman said.

"Well, I don't w-want t-t-to be here for s-start-ters," Edward said.

"Why not? I thought you wanted to get better."

"Just because I w-w-want t-to get bet-t-…w-well doesn't mean I'm one-hundred perc-cent on th-this."

"You know I'm only trying to help you," Nancy mentioned. The teenager rolled his eyes. "When was the last time you cut yourself, Edward?"

"Th-that night," Ed answered, referring to the night he was hospitalized. "Why?"

"What were you thinking about when you were doing it?" Nancy asked.

The blonde wasn't sure he wanted to answer the question. He remembered very few moments from that night, but knew what he was thinking of while he was doing it. Ed hadn't even intended to cut himself, but knew what he was thinking about during his trance.

"Edward?" Nancy asked again, as the teenager still hadn't answered her question.

"My mom," Edward answered, managing to refrain from stuttering through the antidepressants.

"What about your mom?" Nancy pressed on.

_Trisha sighed, walking toward her son and holding her arm out. _

_Three red slits lingered on her left wrist. _

_"…angels come and kiss her…"_

_…wiped away a few stray tears._

_The blonde boy smiled along with his mother. _

_…his mother's smile was a false one all along. _

"She was s-s-sad," he stuttered out.

"Do you know what she was sad about?"

_"Mommy's just sad that daddy's not here right now. So when mommy gets sad, little angels come and kiss her." _

"My dad l-left us when I was l-l-litt-le."

"Did she put a lot of pressure on you after your father left?" The therapist asked while she wrote some notes in a small notebook.

"Of course not!" Edward exclaimed. He felt powerful that he made it through his shouting without stuttering. "My mom l-loved us more th-than anyth-thing!" Disgruntled at the stuttering's reappearance, the teenager didn't allow it to be shown. Poker was good for something that was for sure.

"Well, explain to me why you were thinking of your mother being sad about your father leaving while you cut yourself?" Nancy asked. "You sure did a fine job of making sure you would be hospitalized."

"I w-wasn't really…" Ed trailed off.

"You weren't what?"

"In my right mind?" It sounded like a question.

"Care to elaborate?"

"I didn't know w-what I was doing until…" He didn't have to finish his sentence. "My mom…w-w-was great…"

"Is there something you're not telling me?" Nancy asked. Ed shook his head. The woman looked at her watch and wrote in her notebook a little more. "Alright, Edward, I'll see you at your next appointment."

* * *

"How was it?" Hughes asked during the car ride home.

"It was th-therapy," Ed answered. He didn't feel like talking. Every time he talked, the antidepressants made him stutter through all of his sentences. That, and he was just trying to think. He was trying to pick through all of his childhood memories and figure out just when his mother had the time to hurt herself like he did now.

Edward could hear Hughes talking, but it was muffled by his thoughts.

_"Ed, please finish your breakfast," Trisha said as she held Alphonse. He was only three, so four year old Edward needed to be a big boy and feed himself breakfast while his mother fed Al. _

_"Mommy?" Edward asked as he spooned his oatmeal. _

_"Yes?" Trisha smiled to her eldest son. She held a spoon of oatmeal up to Alphonse's mouth which he rejected immediately by turning his face. _

_"What's that?" The blonde toddler pointed to his mother's wrist, where scars remained. _

_"Oh, it's nothing, sweetheart. Drink your milk, baby." _

"Ed?" Hughes asked, pulling the teenager out of his trance. He looked around to find that they were in the driveway of the Hughes residence.

"What?"

"You sure you're doing okay?"

"I'm f-f-fine," Edward managed out. "Just th-thinking."

"About?"

"Nothing."

* * *

**Next Update: **February 11th, 2015

**Yay, I brought it back to life! Officially off of hiatus, I have so many chapters written up and ready to post. Hopefully you enjoy what I have in store for you guys. **


	18. Chapter 18

_ "It's nothing, Edward." Trisha smiled. "It's nothing." The blonde boy kept his gaze to the three little slits on her arms as she reached out to pet his hair. "It's all gonna be okay." _

Edward jumped out of bed at the nightmare he had. He couldn't even remember if this was a false memory or not, but knew it was important. It had to be important.

"Are you alright, Edward?" Gracia asked as she passed his bedroom doorway. Of course she would notice him jumping out of bed in fear and confusion.

"Yeah, I'm f-fine," Ed said quickly. "Just didn't remember where I w-was for a minute," he fibbed. Gracia seemed to take it with a light motherly smile.

"Breakfast's on the table. If you want, I can save you a plate and you can eat later," the woman offered.

"I'll be right down," Edward told her. "I just need t-to get dressed." Gracia nodded and walked away from the doorway to leave him in privacy.

Ed took his clothing to the bathroom and dressed. The scars were healing up nicely. Plus, the pills were doing some good. He felt like he could get out of bed without screaming, which was better than things used to be, but he still felt a darkness in him. Well, it didn't matter anyway.

After breakfast, Ed found himself in Hughes' study; a room which was worked in during the days off, though while Hughes found himself wrapped up in a particular case he was interested in.

"You want to go back to work?" Hughes asked. "Why? You just got back on your feet. Hell, you're still working on standing up straight."

"I've been out f-for a while," Edward said. "I need to get s-some research done on the ph-philosophers stone, and I can't do it by w-w-waiting in bed all the time."

"I'll talk to Roy," Hughes said. "_But _you're going to be taking it easy. That means no more than eight hours a day in the library. I know how you like to be there from the crack of dawn till the next week."

"Of course," Ed said. "And I'll keep going t-to meetings with my th-therapist."

"Yes you will. I'll call Roy and we'll know by tomorrow, okay?" The teenager nodded.

"Okay."

* * *

"Ed, you're on paperwork duty," Mustang said when Hughes brought him in for work. It was the most he would allow.

"W-What do I do?" Edward asked. He wished he could go out in the field, but assumed Mustang and Hughes thought it was too soon.

"You're going to sit with Havoc and the others and sort through paperwork. Basically you read the reports, highlight the fine points, and give them to Hawkeye to give to me," the colonel explained. Ed nodded.

Mustang lead the teenager out to the separate office where everyone was at. There was a long table with everyone sitting there, and they all stopped to look when Ed walked back. They hadn't known why Edward was gone for so long, but it wouldn't be long before they figured it out. Ed wasn't allowed to wear long sleeves anymore to make it easier for everyone to see if he had done something to himself, and while the white bandages were removed from his wrists, the stitches were still proudly on display.

"Edward, how have you been?" Hawkeye asked in that maternal way. Ed should have known Mustang would share information with her. Hell, she was probably the person he went to for reassurance that the relapse wasn't his fault.

"I'm fine," Ed answered. "A little restless."

"Well, sitting in a bed all the time is boring," Hawkeye said. "Sit next to Havoc and I'll get you some easy documents to read through."

"Okay…" Edward trailed off. Mustang had already returned to his office and Riza was looking for paperwork in a bin full of the stuff. He was grateful to have her pick out some easy papers, but felt like he was getting special treatment that he didn't want.

"Where you been, chief?" Havoc asked, looking down at the blonde who was so much smaller than him. Ed looked at him and noticed how hard the man was trying not to look at his arms. "You didn't go partying without me, did you?"

"No way!" Edward rolled his eyes. "Besides, who could party w-when there's s-s-so much work t-to get done?"

"Hey, Al?" Ed asked on the phone when he returned to the Hughes residence that night.

_"Yes, brother?" _

"You can come home."

* * *

**Next Update: **February 18th, 2015.


	19. Chapter 19

**One year later**

Hughes was dead. He was dead and it was all their fault.

Ed was currently huddled up in his bed. Winry was in the room next door and Alphonse was sitting between their two doors. They all needed their space after this.

"Brother?" Alphonse asked quietly through the door. Edward couldn't move. He felt like everything had come crashing down on him, and now he didn't have enough strength to even speak. "Brother, it's not our fault."

Ed didn't say anything.

Time passed quickly. He couldn't sleep, but at the same time didn't have the strength to stand. He stayed in his bed until Alphonse had walked to his bed standing with Winry.

"Brother…" Al trailed off. Winry placed a comforting hand on the armor of the youngest Elric, even though he couldn't feel it. It made her feel better to place her hand on the cold armor.

"Ed, please get up," Winry pleaded. She knelt to the bed, where the teenager continued to lay.

"…my fault…" Edward mumbled.

"What?" Alphonse asked.

"Hughes…my fault…" the eldest Elric spoke again. Winry and Al exchanged concerned looks. They seemed to communicate telepathically, because Edward didn't hear them speak before Alphonse walked out of the bedroom, leaving Winry sitting on the edge of the bed, stroking Ed's hair.

It wasn't long before Mustang had arrived. Or maybe it _was _long, Ed didn't even count the hours he had been laying there.

"Edward," the colonel spoke in a harsh tone. He had expected the teenager to jump at the sudden noise, but he continued to lay limply. "Ed, if you don't get up now, I'll have no choice but to take you to the hospital."

Edward just barely heard the words his commanding officer said to him, but thought about it. Did he really want to go back to the hospital? Hell no. But maybe…maybe it would be better if he did…No! Ed forced himself out of bed.

"Why'd you call him?" Ed asked, his voice hoarse from not speaking for the past few days.

"We were worried, brother," Alphonse said gently.

"We thought that maybe Mister Mustang could talk some sense into you," Winry finished.

"I'm fine…" Edward trailed off. "Sorry for worrying you."

"Are you sure you're alright?" Mustang asked. "Should I still call the doctor?"

"No," Ed said a bit too quickly. All eyes were on him. "That won't be necessary. I'm up now; sorry."

"Just keep me on your call list." The colonel placed a reassuring hand on Ed's shoulder before walking out of the room. Ed sighed before standing.

"I think we should take a break," the eldest Elric said suddenly.

"Are you sure that's a good idea, brother?" Alphonse asked. "Shouldn't we stay here in case we come up with any leads on Mister Hughes' killer?" Ed flinched.

"N-no…" Edward trailed off. "I think we should go to Resembool to get over this. It'll be easier if we were in our hometown."

"But-" Al started.

"We're going," Ed interrupted.

"…Yes, brother…"

* * *

"I'm going to unpack some things and then I'll figure out what we'll have for dinner," Winry said when they walked inside of the house. There had been a note on the door that Pinako had gone to a bar in town to visit with some old buddies.

"Sure thing," Alphonse said. He knew he wouldn't be receiving any of that dinner. He never even knew what Winry's cooking tasted like – being damned to his armored body before the girl had learned.

"I'm gonna go lay down for a little while," Ed told them. He turned to walk into the bedroom when Winry called out for him. "Yeah?" he asked.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Winry asked.

"I'm fine," he answered. Edward shut his door behind him, not leaving any room for her to continue to question him.

Once Edward was alone, he could finally think. He could finally break down. The blonde sat down on one of the two beds in the bedroom and removed his coat.

Ed stroked his arms softly. He hadn't cut in a little over a year. Not since he had gotten out of the hospital last. The anti-depressants had worked wonders and the therapy had been even better.

When he quit the therapy on a regular basis and just called in whenever he was feeling bad, Edward had been able to return to traveling. He had been in perfect shape. Until this…

The scars were still there. Long scars that clearly revealed he had received stitches.

Suddenly, something hit him. Something he had felt when he first started taking the anti-depressants. Edward reached into his bag, grabbing the small pill bottle. He ran to the bathroom, hoping no one would see him.

He didn't want to feel these things! Hughes had just died – he couldn't be happy. Gracia wasn't happy that her husband wouldn't come home every night all cheery anymore. Elysia wasn't happy that she lost the father that had once given her so much love.

Ed barely thought of what he was doing before he was pouring the pills down the toilet and flushing them down.

He didn't want to be happy.

* * *

**Next Update:** February 25th, 2015

**I really hope you guys all like what I did with this, I have plans to further this plot, so this story should go on for a long time! **


	20. Chapter 20

"Brother, are you alright?" Alphonse asked from outside of the bathroom. "Are you sick?" Ed stashed the empty pill bottle underneath the sink and opened the door.

"I'm fine, Al," Edward answered. "I just had to piss, jeez."

"Winry's making a stew. It may take a while," Alphonse informed. "I just wanted to let you know."

"I think I'm gonna take a nap," Ed admitted. "I feel exhausted. He didn't give the younger brother a chance to say anything else, going to bed and staying quiet.

Edward didn't actually sleep, but he remained in bed until Winry walked in.

"Dinner's ready," the blonde girl said softly.

"Okay," Ed responded.

"Are you going to eat with us?" Winry asked.

"I'm tired. I'm sleeping," the boy managed out. He just wanted to be left alone. Winry nodded before walking out.

* * *

"I'm going back to Central," Edward announced the next morning.

"Why?" Winry asked.

"The colonel called me in. He needs my help with some paperwork I was supposed to fill out," the eldest Elric fibbed. There actually had been no call. He just needed to get out of town; he needed to be alone.

"I'll come with you," Alphonse said.

"Sorry, Al, Mustang wants me to come in alone. I'll call you as soon as I get there," Edward said before walking to his room and grabbing the suitcase he had packed during his restless night before.

"Ed, we just got here; you can't leave now," Winry said.

"They're my orders," Edward responded "If I don't go, I could go to jail. I'm going." There was no continuation to the conversation when Ed walked out of the house, prepared to board the next train out.

A train was already boarding and Ed boarded it without even bothering to check where it was going. He could go to Xing for all he cared; he just had to get out. Edward sat on the train for two days before it stopped. Dublith. Great.

Ed got off the train and walked around the town. It was the place of his childhood, and he couldn't help but want to soak up every little memory. Well, it wasn't the main place of his childhood, but it had been the happiest he was after his mother died.

Ed kept on walking until he heard, "Edward Elric!" in a familiar voice. Ed turned to see his teacher, Izumi Curtis. And she was pissed. "You couldn't have given me the common courtesy of a phone call to let me know you were in town?!" Edward didn't have the strength to be cared. He couldn't even be angry or sad. He was just empty. "Edward?" Izumi asked in a gentler tone, sensing something was wrong.

"Hey, teacher," Ed managed out in a quieter voice.

"Come here, Edward," she ordered. He didn't hesitate and soon found himself being lead inside her house. Had he walked to her house subconsciously? He didn't even know anymore. Before he knew it, Izumi was taking Ed's temperature and checking his blood pressure.

"A little warm, but not fever worthy…" she spoke to herself.

"I'm not sick," Edward said, breaking the silence he had been giving to her since he first said hello.

"Tell me what's going on, Edward. Where is your brother?" Izumi asked.

"Resembool…" he trailed off.

"That's it; you're going to bed."

It felt like he was just going from bed to bed. Ed stayed in bed for what felt like forever. He didn't eat, he didn't sleep. He only got up for the toilet. Of course, once he stopped drinking, he didn't even need to do that.

Izumi and Sig came in all the time to give him food and water. Ed didn't touch it. He was beginning to wonder why they hadn't called someone yet when Mason walked into the room.

"Edward?" the man asked. "Haven't seen you in a while. How you doing?" Ed still did not speak. "Izumi tells me you don't get out of bed and you stopped eating and drinking. She wants to call your commanding officer." The teenager continued to stay out of the conversation. "We want to help you, Ed-boy."

"I called Mustang," Izumi said as she walked into the room. "He's on his way and wondering why you're not in Resembool, Ed. Al is net on my call list."

"Don't," Edward said, speaking for the first time since he had arrived.

"Why not?" mason asked.

"Don't want him to see…" Ed trailed off. He couldn't speak anymore.

"We'll see what the colonel thinks," Izumi said before walking out. Edward watched the light from outside become dark before returning. He still didn't eat.

Mustang walked in the room. "My god, Fullmetal, what the hell have you been doing?" the colonel asked. No answer. Izumi, Sig, and Mason walked in right before him.

"He doesn't eat or drink. Sometimes he falls asleep," Izumi told the raven haired man. Roy moved closer to Ed, removing his coat and rolling up the sleeves from his long sleeved shirt.

"What are you doing?" Mason asked, seeming defensive. He looked after the kid, and didn't know what this man's intentions were.

Mustang gave everyone a view of the scars on the teenager's arms. "Have you been cutting yourself again, Ed?" Mustang asked. "Somewhere we can't see?" Edward stayed silent. "If you don't answer me, I will strip you," the colonel warned.

"…No…" Ed whispered softly.

"I'm taking you to the hospital. Have you been taking your medicine?" Roy asked.

"What medicine?" Izumi and Mason asked simultaneously.

"His anti-depressants," the colonel answered. "Have you?" Edward was once again silent. "Let's go." Roy lifted the teenager into his arms, noting that he had lost weight, before taking him to the hospital. Unfortunately for Ed, Havoc had been the one that accompanied Mustang instead of Hawkeye, and the man witnessed everything.

Roy rushed into the hospital with the teenager in his arms, Havoc following behind. Edward was drowning out what they were saying, but heard something about the others coming after them.

Apparently military members got special treatment from hospitals, because Ed was admitted immediately. Or maybe it was just because he hadn't eaten or drunken anything in a while.

Before he knew it, the teenager was in a hospital bed with an IV supplying his nutrients for him. Mustang was sitting right beside him and Havoc was on the other side of the room. A doctor then returned to the hospital room to speak with the colonel.

"Well?" the raven haired man asked.

"He hasn't eaten in a week and he hasn't had a drink in a few days, but our IV should regulate that," the doctor explained. "He's experiencing symptoms of depression."

"What about his anti-depressants?" Havoc asked.

"We ran a blood test to see if it was in his system, but he stopped taking them," the doctor answered.

"You quit taking your meds?" Roy asked, now directing the question to the blonde laying limp in bed. He received no answer. "God dammit, Edward."

"We're going to start him back up on the medication and he should see his therapist again. I've taken the liberty of finding her number in his file and giving her a call. You can set up the appointment any time, but she will be here in the morning to speak with Mister Elric," the doctor explained.

"So you're keeping him overnight?" Mustang asked.

The doctor nodded. "We need to give our IVs time to give his body the nutrients he hasn't been getting for the past few days."

"I'm staying," the colonel said. He found himself a seat beside the bed of the young alchemist and he doctor nodded before leaving the room.

* * *

"I know finding out about Hughes is hard, Ed…" Roy trailed off. He felt like he was talking to a brick wall, but he had to dry, dammit! Ever since the kid had gotten better, he barely spoke to the colonel unless it was about missions. He did talk to Hughes though.

_You would know what to do, _the raven haired man thought to himself. Why did this have to be so hard? Why did Edward have to have depression?

"I understand how upset you are; the man was my best friend, but Edward…this isn't normal," Roy said. "I'm sure Alphonse is upset and so is Winry, and I was upset too, but we didn't do this."

"…don't understand…" Ed managed out. He hadn't moved from his spot in the hospital bed since the doctor had left them several hours ago.

"You don't understand?" Roy asked.

"_You _don't understand," Edward repeated, this time less of a whisper and more direct.

"_I _don't understand? You're damn right I don't understand. I don't understand why you don't try!"

"Colonel, could you leave us alone for a minute?" Havoc suddenly asked from his spot in the corner of the room. "I won't break him, I promise."

"I need to make a few calls anyway," Mustang said, standing from his chair and leaving. Havoc replaced the chair quickly.

"Hey, boss…" Havoc trailed off. "I know how you feel, kid. I know you can't control this."

"How?" Ed asked.

"My sister had depression," Havoc answered. "She's on anti-depressants from it. I hated watching her like that, and at first I thought there was someone to blame. I thought it was my parents' fault, or that she was doing it to herself, but I learned that it was her illness that did it."

"You fix it?"

"Well, after she went on the meds it was better. She still had her bad days, and I'm sure she still does, but she's alive again," Havoc told the young alchemist.

"I don't wanna be alive."

"I know, kid. I know it's bad." Havoc sighed a bit and reached over, stroking the teenager's blonde hair. "You're gonna be okay, though. They're gonna put you back on your meds, and you'll be fine."

"…Thanks, Havoc…"

* * *

**Next Update: **March 4th, 2015

**To everyone who aspires to be a great author, writing is something that comes with practice, and not something that you just magically are. I started writing when I was eight years old, and began publishing on here when I was thirteen. Believe me, I was horrible - just look at the stories I kept on here from 2010 - and I still believe I am not a good writer, even though many have told me I am. Writing comes easier to some people than others, but it will come with practice. I idolized writers on this website, and now we exchange PMs and talk about how good each other's writing is. Your time will come, and you're brave for putting your work out there :) **


	21. Chapter 21

"You seem rather chipper," Mustang commented the next morning. Edward was sitting up now, and eating food again. "What did Havoc say to you last night?"

"It's the meds; and none of your beeswax." Ed stuck his tongue out before eating the oatmeal he was given. "This tastes like shit." **(Having been to both a regular hospital for a week and a mental hospital, I can say that the regular hospital food tastes better). **

"If you don't want to eat hospital food, then you shouldn't put yourself in the hospital," the colonel said, turning pages in a magazine he was reading. There was a knock on the door before someone entered. Edward's therapist, Nancy.

"Hello, Edward," Nancy greeted when she walked into the room. She hadn't had a physical appointment with the teenager in six months, as he had been doing better, and had only been doing phone calls to check up on him. That would change.

"Hey," Ed said. "You didn't have to come all the way here, I could have made an appointment at your office as soon as I got out of here."

"The doctors called me; they thought it was important I saw you as soon as possible," the woman said. "Hello, colonel. Could you please wait outside while I speak with Edward?"

"Sure," Mustang said, walking out of the room and giving them some privacy.

"I heard about the brigadier general," Nancy said softly. "I know you were close with him. It must be hard."

"I'm trying to work on it," Ed said.

"I also heard that you stopped taking your anti-depressants," Nancy mentioned.

"Flushed them actually."

"Why?"

The blonde looked down at his blanket covered lap. Why did he do it again? Oh, yeah…. "I hated being happy when everyone else was sad," he answered.

"But you know you can't manage your depression, Edward," Nancy said. "That's why you're on the medication. You would have gone through serious withdrawals if we hadn't gotten you taking them again."

"I don't want to be on them anymore," Ed said.

"Then you come talk to me and a doctor and we'll see what we can do." Nancy wrote down in her notebook. "I'm going to speak to your guardian and we're going to set up an appointment for you. If you'd like, we can talk about you being removed from your anti-depressants, but until then, keep taking them." The woman walked out, leaving the teenager alone for the first time since he found out about Hughes' death.

When Mustang returned, he sat down in the chair next to Ed's bed again.

"Edward…" the raven haired man trailed off.

"What?" Edward asked. He was tired and wanted to sleep even though his body had been vegetating for a while.

"I'm sorry I can't stop this."

**Next Update: **March 11th


	22. Chapter 22

"Come on, Ed," Mustang said as he walked back into the hospital room for the hundredth time to make sure the alchemist was getting ready to go.

"I'm coming," the teenager said as he slipped his shoes on and walked toward the man. After being deemed as no longer a danger to himself, Edward was released from the hospital with the promise that he would continue taking his medication until he had an appointment with both his doctor and therapist to discuss weaning off of it. Now the teenager was being released into Mustang's care.

"They can't just let me go home?" Ed asked.

"You need to be under constant supervision," the colonel answered. "I'll call Alphonse when we get to my house and we'll discuss our next move – the three of us."

"You don't have to discuss my personal business by yourself it wouldn't come to this," Mustang retorted.

The train ride home was silent after that comment.

* * *

The first thing thing Ed noticed when he walked into Roy's house was that it looked exactly the same as the last time he had been there. He went to the same room he had staying in before and noticed the door was gone. There were also small stains in the carpet trailing from Ed's room to Roy's.

_Must be blood, _Edward thought to himself.

"The doctor told me to take off your door," Roy said gently from behind so not to startle the teen. "I thought you were better, Ed."

"I thought so too," Edward responded. "Did you call Al?"

"I was about to."

"Can I do it?"

"…Sure…"

* * *

"Hey, Al," Edward said when the line picked up.

_"Brother, where have you been? I've been waiting for a call for ages, and was about the call the colonel!" _the youngest Elric shouted from the other side of the line.

"Sorry, Alphonse," Ed said softly. "I got on a wrong train and went to teacher's house. There were some problems…"

_"What kind of problems?" _

"I stopped taking my meds, Al."

_"Oh god…"_ was heard through the phone.

"I had to go to the hospital, and I'm with Mustang now. In Central."

_"How could you, brother? After all we went through before, how could you just stop taking your meds?" _Alphonse sounded near devastated.

_It's all my fault, _Edward thought to himself. "Stay in Resembool, okay? Mustang and I are going to talk and figure out our next move," Ed said.

_"I want to see you, brother," _Al said.

"I don't want you to see me like this. I'm going to talk to Mustang and I'll call you later." Without giving the younger brother time to protest, Edward hung up the phone.

"I thought the three of us were going to talk," Mustang said.

"No. Just you and me. I know what I want to do."

* * *

_"Of course you can stay with me,"_ Izumi said over the phone. _"But I spoke with the colonel, what will you do about your therapist?"_

"I can either have phone therapy sessions or switch again," Edward answered. "I just don't want to stay with Mustang or go back to Resembool. You're my last option."

_"Well, I'm glad you called _this time_,"_ Izumi muttered. _"I'll set up your old room and call your therapist to figure out what I should be doing to prepare."_

"I just need a place to go, you don't have to _watch _me, teacher," Ed said.

_"I know how you are now, Edward," _Izumi responded. _"You hurt yourself and you didn't tell anyone. I need to watch you," _Izumi said.

"That was a year ago, I'm a different person now," Edward protested.

_"I'll see you in a few days, Ed." _

It was several days before Ed arrived in Dublith. He half expected Mustang to escort him, but instead sent Havoc. Edward was glad. He liked Havoc, especially now that he knew the man understood what he was going through. Maybe Al would be more like Havoc after understanding.

"So, squirt, where's your teacher?" Havoc asked when they exited the train. Havoc would be getting on the next train to Central in half an hour, after the teenager was safely in someone else's care.

"Don't call me squirt," Ed protested, but was too tired to do more. He was planning to sleep for eternity when he got to the Curtis residence. "I see her," Edward said, pointing to the woman standing beside her – abnormally – large husband.

Izumi noticed him and walked over. "Ed, I'm glad you're here. Is Al coming too?" she asked. Those boys had been inseparable when they stayed with her.

"No," Edward said.

"Well, now that he's with you, I'll be off," Havoc spoke up. He said goodbye and good luck to Ed before leaving to board his train.

The three walked back to the house, Edward smiling a bit as he remembered popcorn fights and nighttime secrets between him and his brother before their transmutation. They were so close until Alphonse found out about his problems.

_It's all my fault, _Ed thought to himself.

"I'm making a stew for dinner, Ed," Izumi said when they walked in. "I know it's your favorite."

"Teacher, can I tell you something?" Edward asked.

"Of course," Izumi said. She motioned to the sofa and they sat down together. Sig had left them alone for privacy.

"There is something I never told anyone. Not Al, not my therapist…" Ed trailed off. He felt so weak.

_You can fix that, _a voice in his head said. _No, _Ed thought. _I will not go back to cutting. _

"I won't tell a soul, Ed," Izumi said, placing a reassuring hand on his left knee. It wasn't very reassuring, as he couldn't feel it.

"My mom did the same thing I did," Edward said. "She used to…cut herself before she died."

"Do you think the urge to cut yourself could be genetic?" Izumi asked.

"I don't know." The blonde could feel the tears welling in his eyes. "I don't know, teacher."

"It's okay, Ed." Izumi took the boy in her arms in a comforting embrace. "You're gonna be okay.

**Next Update: **March 18th, 2015


	23. Chapter 23

"Ed, why didn't you tell me you were depressed?" Izumi asked. "I could have helped you."

"I don't think I was _really _depressed until Hughes died," the blonde answered. "I mean, I was just angry at myself. I had put Al in that body, I should have tried harder. I was punishing myself."

"You talked to your therapist about this?" the woman asked. Edward nodded. "But not about your mother?" He shook his head. "Ed, you need to talk to your therapist about this. She might be able to help you more with this," Izumi said.

"I don't need any more help. I'm better. I'm not cutting myself anymore, I just want to stop taking the stupid anti-depressants," Ed said.

"I'll take you to a doctor in town and we'll see what they can do."

"Thank you."

The next morning, Izumi made an appointment for Edward at the doctor's office. Thankfully the doctor was a friend and gave them his lunch hour. She took him at the appointed time.

"So, Edward, Izumi says you're on anti-depressants and want to stop taking them, yes?" the doctor – Erin, Ed read – asked. The teenager nodded. "When was the last time you hurt yourself?" Doctor Erin asked. The file of Edward's medical history clearly stated he had self-harmed.

"Last year," Ed answered. "I don't do that anymore; I'm better."

"Are you better, or do you think you're better because of the medication?"

"I'm better."

The doctor smiled. "Well, we have to be careful. You need to wean off the medication, and might go through symptoms of withdrawal. You'll need to be monitored, as weaning can cause suicidal thoughts, much stronger than before," he explained.

"I'll watch you if this is what you want, Ed," Izumi said.

"This is what I want."

"Alright," Erin said. "Your file says you usually take two in the morning and one at night?" he asked. Ed nodded. "Okay, well, we're going to decrease that to just one and a half in the morning and one half at night."

"So long story short, this is gonna take a while," the teenager said.

"I told you we have to do this slowly unless you want to get sick. Sorry, kid, I'll see you next week and we'll talk about decreasing it again," Doctor Erin said. He then left the room after instructing them to make a appointment with the receptionist.

* * *

_"How are you, brother?" _Al asked on the phone. He was mourning Highes' death still, and not having his brother there made things tougher.

"I'm okay," Ed answered. "I just got back from the doctor."

_"Is everything alright?" _Alphonse asked in a worried tone.

"Yeah, we were just discussing my medication. I'm going to a new therapist tomorrow morning, too," he explained.

_"I hope you're getting better, brother…." _The youngest Elric trailed off.

"I'm fine," Edward said. "How are _you _doing? I know Hughes has gotta be hard for you, especially after dad left."

_"You said yourself that he wouldn't stick around, brother. I knew you were going to be right one way or another," _Al said.

"Hey, listen, I'm thinking about bowing out early and going to look for your body again. What do you think?"

_"Do you think that's a good idea, brother?" _Alphonse asked.

"Yeah, I'm gonna stick it out another week and then we can go," Edward said. "Besides, if something happens, you'll be there, right?"

_"I'll always be there, brother." _

* * *

"How do you feel about yourself, Edward?" the new therapist – Amanda Williams – asked.

"I feel great," he answered. "I've been doing what the doctor with my medication and my teacher has been watching me. I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms or horrible feelings of depression."

"How do you feel about your scars, Edward?" the therapist rephrased.

"I feel the same about my scars that I feel about my automail. I regret it, would change it if I could, but accept them," Ed said.

"You cover up your automail with several layers of clothing and gloves, though," doctor Williams said.

"I do," Edward confirmed.

"Why?"

"…I don't want others to see it…"

"Why not?"

"…Right after I was fitted with the automail…when I was still rehabilitating, someone told my granny that she should have locked me up instead of helped me," Ed explained.

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Embarrassed, ashamed; I don't know, a lot of things," Ed said.

"Good."

"Good?"

"Identifying how you feel is the first step," the doctor said.

"I thought that was admitting you had a problem," Edward smirked.

She smiled. "Same difference. That's all the time we have. Make an appointment at the reception desk."

* * *

"You've been talking to Alphonse on the phone a lot more," Izumi commented during dinner. "I hope that means you've made up."

"We were never fighting," Ed protested.

"Well, at least you're talking," Sig spoke up.

"I was actually thinking of going back to Resembool after my next doctor appointment," Edward said.

"Are you sure?" Izumi asked. "It seems awfully soon."

"Actually, I've been talking to Al about it and he's thrilled. I think things will be how they used to be soon," Ed mentioned.

"As long as the doctor says it's alright, I won't force you to stay," Izumi said.

"Thank you." Ed finished his dinner and went to take a shower.

The voice that told him to cut himself had been bugging him more often, but so far, he hadn't submitted to them. He did stare at Sig's razor, though.

_Teacher must have forgotten to lock it up, _Ed thought to himself. He reached over to it in general curiosity. He ran his thumb over it carefully so he wouldn't cut it. He gulped, thinking of the relief if he just…

Ed put the razor down.

He wasn't doing that again.

* * *

**Next Update: **March 25th, 2015


	24. Chapter 24

"Okay, Edward, now you're going to lower your dosage to one pill in the morning and no pill at night," the doctor said. "Have you been experiencing any withdrawal symptoms?"

"Nope," Ed answered.

"Edward, in order for this to work, you need to be honest with me," Erin said.

"Okay, I've been feeling a little anxious, but I don't think that's really a symptom," Ed said.

"Thank you for being honest. You can go, just tell Izumi to keep a closer eye on you." Erin filled out paperwork and the blonde teenager walked out. He went straight to the dark haired woman, who was waiting for him in the waiting room.

"How did it go?" she asked.

"Great; he said I just need to take one pill for a few days and then I'll be good," Ed fibbed.

"Good." Izumi smiled.

* * *

"Brother!" Alphonse shouted when he saw his brother. The metal armor gripped the teenager until the eldest Elric wheezed out, "Can't breathe." The younger teen let go.

"Sorry, brother; I'm just excited that you're here," Alphonse apologized.

"It's alright, Al; I'm happy to see you too," Ed said with a smile. "The next train to Central leaves in an hour, and I have something to say to Mustang."

"Don't you want to spend a little more time with teacher?" Alphonse asked.

"I've spent plenty of time here, Al. I just want to get back to what I do best, which is working on a way to get your body back," Ed said.

"Alright, brother."

* * *

The train ride was rough. Ed was asleep the entire time and kept having nightmares about cutting himself. He hadn't done that in a year, and wouldn't do it.

"Brother," Alphonse said gently, placing a hand on his eldest brother's shoulder. "It's time to leave."

Edward jumped up, nearly hitting his head on Alphonse's armor. "Huh?" Ed asked.

"The train stopped. We're here."

"Oh," the blonde said, standing and reaching for his suitcase. He couldn't reach, so Al grabbed it for him. "Thanks," Ed muttered before exiting the train.

Once they arrived at Mustang's office, Havoc rushed to Edward's side.

"How are you doing, boss?" the smoking man asked.

"I'm alright," the teenager answered. "Just going to see Mustang. Oh, tell your sister I said hi," Ed said before walking away with Al.

"You know Lieutenant Havoc's sister?" Alphonse asked.

"Not really," Ed answered as they walked into Mustang's office.

"What are you doing here, Fullmetal?" the colonel asked.

"Trying to keep myself busy," Ed said. "Give me a mission or I'll find a library."

"Are you sure you should be working this soon?" the man asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure," the teenager rolled his eyes.

"Fine. It looks like there's something going on in Creta. There have been rumors of a prophet who can bring the dead back to life," Mustang explained. He tossed a file containing information to the blonde.

"Oh, bringing the dead back to life, how original," Ed said sarcastically. "So you think they might have a Philosophers stone?" he asked.

"Exactly," Mustang said.

"Alright, we'll leave in the morning," Ed said, turning to walk out. Alphonse went ahead of him and made it out of the room. Mustang stood and gripped Ed's shoulder before he could leave.

"What?" the teenager asked.

"…Take care of yourself, Edward."

"I always do, jeez."

* * *

_You should make the bad feelings go away, _a voice in Ed's head said. _You know I'd just be quiet if you punished yourself. You deserve it anyway._

"Shut up," Edward whispered to himself. Alphonse had went to the mess hall of the military dorms to get food. Ed purposefully asked for food they didn't have so he could get more time alone; he knew Al would go find a restaurant to get him what he wanted.

Ed had been fighting these voices for a year and did okay. He would be okay.

_DO IT!_

Ed ran to the bathroom and fumbled through the drawers to find something, anything he could use. Unfortunately there was nothing, but the military shower room was bound to have something.

He ran to the shower room and looked for something. A razor; yes! Edward grabbed it and held it to his wrist. He paused. This wasn't the way. He didn't have to do this.

_What did this do for mom?_ Ed thought to himself. _She was still unhappy. _He placed the razor down just as Mustang walked in.

"Edward?" the man asked before noticing the razor. "What did you do?" Suddenly the colonel was gripping his shoulders, searching for any fresh wounds. "What did you do?!" he shouted again.

"Nothing," Ed said. "I didn't do anything. I fought him."

"What are you talking about; who did you fight?" Mustang asked.

"The voice that told me to hurt myself," the teen answered. "I fought him."

"You need help, Edward. You need to be on your medication," Roy said.

"The doctor said I was done," Ed fibbed. "I don't need them anymore."

"I'm telling your brother, and you are _not _going on that mission tomorrow," Roy ordered.

"No, wait," Ed said. "I'll tell him when he gets back to our dorm, I promise."

"I'll walk you back and wait for him with you," Roy said. He kept his word, walking with him back to his dorm and staying with the teenager until his brother returned.

"Brother, I'm back. They didn't have meatball subs with pickles, but I found a shop that makes them for only 5 dollars," Alphonse said before he noticed Roy. "Oh, hello colonel Mustang, what are you doing here?"

"I found your brother in the shower room and thought he should tell you something," the man said.

"What is it, brother?"

Ed looked at the two nervously before managing out, "I've been…feeling like cutting myself again recently."

"I thought you were better…" Alphonse said quietly. Edward felt so ashamed for what he had just laid out on his brother.

_You should have kept it to yourself, _the voice inside of him said.

"But, wait, it's okay!" Ed said.

"How?" Al asked.

"It's okay because I managed to resist doing it! I mean, this is no different than me for the past year. I always had the urge, I just managed to resist it," the teenager explained.

"Brother, I don't think we should go on that mission tomorrow," Alphonse said.

"I agree," Mustang spoke.

"I'm perfectly fine."

"You're not going," both the colonel and Alphonse spoke out at the same time. Ed glared at them, but it didn't change their minds, and Mustang left with no further delay. Al ordered Ed to eat and then bed.

_If they won't let you go, go on strike to retaliate, _the voice said.

"I'm not hungry," Edward said.

"Fine, then go to sleep," Al ordered. Ed mumbled something about how younger brothers couldn't tell older brothers what to do and went to bed.

**Next Update: **April 1st, 2015.


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

"I brought you breakfast," Alphonse said waking the eldest brother. "I know I've been a bad brother about your problem and French toast won't forgive that, but hopefully I can change."

Ed groaned a little bit and looked at the tray of food that was brought. A part of him was touched that Al had done this for him, but the voice was always there.

_He didn't let you go on your mission. Don't eat. You don't need food. _

"I'm not really hungry, Al; but thanks," Ed said. "It's really a nice gesture."

"You're not hungry?" the armor asked. "Do you have a fever?" Out of habit, the younger brother placed a cool hand on the blonde's forehead, though received no indication of whether or not he had a fever.

"No, I don't have a fever, Al," Ed said. "I'm just not hungry. I'm gonna head to the library to do some research."

"I'll come with you, brother," Alphonse said. Edward wanted to tell him to stay, but allowed the boy to come along.

Together the pair walked to the library where they began to do research about the Philosophers stone. Ed continually drifted off, wishing he was on that mission right now.

"Are you hungry, brother?" Al asked when the clock chimed noon. Edward shrugged. He was _starving_ after not eating breakfast, but didn't allow his brother to see that.

"We can go get lunch if you want," Alphonse said.

Ed shook his head. "I just want to research. Besides, I'm not really hungry."

"Whatever you say, brother."

Edward felt his hunger eating away at him.

* * *

"Alphonse called me," Mustang said in the library to the younger blonde. The armored boy had left hours ago, and Edward assumed that was when he had called the colonel.

"Oh yeah?" Ed asked. "What did he say?"

"He told me you hadn't eaten all day, and asked me to talk to you about it," the colonel said. "Is this about Hughes?" Silence. "Is it an act of defiance against me because of you not going on that mission?" A glance. A _glance_! This is what it was. "Why?" Mustang asked.

"Because you and everyone else around here seem to think you can control me! I want to control something, and I found what I can," Ed explained.

"You and I are going to eat something. If you don't eat, you will suffer the consequences," the colonel said. He practically dragged the blonde alchemist out of the library and took him to a restaurant. Edward recognized this restaurant – he had gone here with Alphonse after a few missions when they were young.

"Ah, look who's here!" a waiter exclaimed with a grin. Ed recognized this man as well. "What'll it be? Everything on the menu with a side of hash-browns?" the man joked. He placed menus on the table.

"Choose," Mustang said when Edward spent a bit too long looking at the menu. "He'll take the bacon cheeseburger and I'll have the prime rib," Mustang ordered for them when Ed continued to look at the menu. Their food arrived and the blonde continued to refuse. "Edward," the colonel said sternly. The teen glared at him and finally took a bite of the greasy mess, eating every last bit.

_No! _Ed screamed to himself. _Get rid of it or you starved for nothing! _

"Thank you," Mustang said, more relaxed now that the kid had eaten something. "Let's go."

"Actually, Mustang, I gotta head to the bathroom before we head out," Edward said.

"Sure," Mustang said, going through his wallet to pay the bill.

Ed reached the bathroom stall.

_You know what to do. _

With two fingers down his throat, Edward Elric discovered a new kind of control.

**ATTENTION: **

**Due to recent events, this story will be discontinued. I apologize, but I just can't keep this up, and so, I will tell everyone what happens in the end. **

**Ed gets better. **

**The end. **


	26. APRIL FOOLS!

**APRIL FOOLS! **

Some of you guessed it, the discontinuation claim was a prank! I apologize for this prank, as I realize it probably wasn't the best of ideas, but figured it was better than telling everyone I'm pregnant! (Such an outplayed prank).

I hope you all have a nice week and The **Next Update **will be on **April 8th, 2015**!


	27. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

"I'm glad you're doing better, brother," Alphonse said as he washed dishes from dinner. Ed had already expelled the contents from his stomach before he had taken a shower. "The colonel told me about an assignment he had for you."

"Yeah, he told me about it this morning. It's some doctor that attaches limbs using a 'red magic'," Edward said.

"When do we leave?" Al asked.

"Tomorrow morning."

Soon enough, night turned to day and the Elric brothers were on a train to Xing.

"I don't know if going this far from Central is such a good idea, brother," Alphonse said.

"It's fine, Al," Ed said. "We'll be in and out. Hopefully we can find a lead on getting your body back."

"Yours too, brother."

"Right."

It was a week before the Elric brothers reached Xing, and Edward could swear that his back would feel better if Alphonse would just punch him. Of course, the younger of the two highly refused – _I might hurt you, brother _– Ed was still trying to convince him to give a punch.

After exiting the train the two went straight to book a hotel room. Unfortunately, after over a week of vomiting everything he had consumed, Edward was beginning to feel weak. His vision constantly blurred on him and he fought to pull himself together.

_Stay awake, _the voice said. _If you pass out, your brother will know what you've been doing. This will all be for not if that happens. _

"I know," Ed whispered to himself.

"Did you say something, brother?" Alphonse asked.

"No, I was just talking to myself," the blonde said. Al eyed the teen carefully.

"All right, let me know if you feel bad."

"Why would I be feeling bad? I'm at the top of my game!" Ed fibbed with a grin.

"If you feel so good, why don't we spar?" Al suggested.

Edward gulped. "Well, we'd have to find a place to spar at."

"Good thing there's a roof to this hotel."

"How about that…"

The brothers received their room and deposited their items into it before going up to the roof, which didn't take very long, as all their possessions fit neatly in a suitcase.

Alphonse took his sparring stance. Edward tried to take his, but he could feel his vision failing him once again. His chest even hurt a bit right over his heart.

"Brother?" Al asked. "Are you all right?"

"I dunno, Al…" Ed trailed off. He couldn't see anything anymore, his legs felt like jelly, and his thoughts were running together. He was getting scared. "Al…help me…" His vision faded to black.

"Brother!"

* * *

_"Edward," a soft voice said in the pitch blackness. _

_"Mom?" Ed asked, recognizing the voice. "Is that you?" _

_"Why are you doing this to yourself?" the soft voice asked. The teenager could now see his mother's form. She looked exactly the same as the last time he saw her. _

_"What are you talking about?" Ed asked. _

_"You're seriously hurting your body," Trisha said. "Vomiting your food is not good for you." _

_"It's better than cutting myself," Ed said. _

_"No." She shook her head. "It's just as dangerous. Promise me you'll get better, Edward. For real, this time." Ed looked away from her before a soft hand gripped his face, pulling him toward her once again. "I know you remember what I did, Edward, but you should know that it wasn't a good thing. I shouldn't have done that to you or your brother. I was selfish. But before I died, I got help," Trisha explained. _

_"I got help too," Edward said. _

_"Not continuously. You need the help. I know you blame yourself for your brother's physical state, but you're both to blame here," Trisha spoke. _

_"But Al didn't want to do it! Al was the one who said it was a bad idea!" Ed shouted. _

_"But he didn't step out. He was loyal to you, Edward. He did it with you by his own free will, and I know he blames himself for your limbs as well," Trisha explained. "He needs you to reassure him that you're there for him and it wasn't his fault just as you need him to reassure the same for you." _

_"He does" Ed asked. _

_"Yes. Now, take care of your brother," Trisha said softly, placing a gentle hand in his silky hair before everything ended. _

* * *

The horrible sound of a heart monitor awoke the blonde alchemist, where he was received the disappointed gaze of Mustang and – if armor could have facial expressions – Alphonse.

"Al…" Ed trailed off. He felt tears stinging his eyes, but instead of trying to hide them, the teenager allowed them to freely make their way down his face. He sat up and felt the tug of an IV in his arm, but ignored it. The fear of needles that had haunted the eldest Elric for his entire life was put on hold as he tried to reach his brother. "Alphonse…Al…"

"I'm here, brother," Alphonse said gently, kneeling close to the hospital bed and placing a hand on his elder brother's left leg just above his automail port.

"The doctors say you've been self-inducing vomiting," Mustang interrupted the brothers. The teenager looked to the colonel. "I don't think you understand the seriousness of this situation, Edward. This could lead to eating disorders and _end your life_."

"I know…" Ed trailed off.

"I don't think you do." Roy knelt and gripped Edward's shoulders. "I won't let you end up in the hospital again on my watch, do you understand me? I'm taking you back to my home where I can watch over you again. _Properly _this time."

All the teenager did was nod quietly. A sob was forming in his throat and he couldn't let it out while the colonel was there. He had already been emasculated so much just by being in the hospital.

"Now, get some rest. The doctor wants to observe you until you're healthy again. You could _die _from this," Mustang said. "How did you get through this last time? Was Hughes really that much of a rock for you?" Edward remained silent, staring down at his blanket covered lap. He fisted the blanket harshly when Hughes was mentioned. The colonel sighed. "Hughes was hard on all of us, Ed. You don't see us all cutting and starving ourselves."

"You don't get it," the blonde spoke softly.

"Oh, I don't get it? _I _don't get it?!" Roy grew angry. He pointed toward the door. "Alphonse, wait outside for a moment." The younger brother didn't want to leave the eldest Elric, but knew the colonel wouldn't hurt him too bad. Al walked out of the room before the dark haired man rose his military sleeve and revealed a scar that ran down his wrist.

"…When did you do that…?" Ed asked, nearly reaching a hand to run it across the scar to reassure himself that it was indeed real.

"Right after the war in Ishval. I didn't want to live with the guilt. Hughes pulled me out of the bathtub I was bleeding out in. He took me to the hospital to get stitched up," Mustang explained. "We all lost Hughes, but I'm not going to kill myself because I know he wouldn't want me to do that. Would he want you to do this to yourself?"

"…No…"

"Then show some appreciation for the life that Hughes helped save and try to save yourself without him," Mustang ordered. "Even if he's gone, you still have people here for you. Gracia won't abandon you. _I _won't abandon you."

Ed smiled the smallest smile. "Thanks, colonel."

**Next Update: **April 15th, 2015


	28. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

The first thing Mustang did when they returned to Central was take Edward to the hospital. No matter how much Edward hated it and thought he didn't need to be there.

It was a stormy night in the hospital, and Edward was awoken by the roar of the thunder and bright lightning flashing by the window. He pulled the IV that was pumping nutrients into his body out before walking over to the window his younger brother was seated by.

"Brother, you need your IV," Alphonse chastised.

"I can't pull on the stand," Ed said.

"That's because you're too weak," the younger responded. "What's wrong, brother?"

"I think it's the storm," the elder teenager answered.

"Brother?" Al asked when Edward pulled open the armor and climbed inside.

"I need to be close to you, Al," Ed said softly. He was shut inside the armor and slowly fell asleep with the feeling of being protected.

* * *

"Where's your brother?" Mustang asked when he walked into the hospital room, eyes focusing on the empty hospital bed and detached IV stand.

"In here," Alphonse said, opening his armor to reveal a weak boy who was sleeping.

Roy sighed. "How did that happen?" the man asked as he maneuvered the teen back into his bed and pressed the nurse call button to get the IV back into the teen.

"I think he was scared of the storm last night. Sometimes when it's storming it reminds him of the night we…" the youngest didn't have to continue. "Plus his automail gets achy."

"We'll have to prepare for that next time," Roy said.

"When is brother leaving the hospital?" Al asked when a nurse walked in and began to replace the IV.

"On my way in here the doctor said he could go home today as long as we keep an eye on him," Roy answered.

"That's good; I know brother will be happy to leave," Al said.

"I'm hiring someone to take care of him while he's out of the hospital, Alphonse," the colonel said.

"But…" Al trailed off. "I can take care of him!"

"You don't have any medical training. I've already spoken to Hawkeye and she's agreed to be his nurse."

"Does she have medical training?"

"She does. She's also read up on eating disorders and self harm."

"My brother doesn't have an eating disorder," Al said.

"He has serious signs of one, Alphonse. The doctors have decided to diagnose Edward with bulimia," Roy explained.

"What?"

"He fits all the criteria, even the lack of having control of his life. So we're going to help him with both problems now."

"I want to go back on missions," Ed spoke, suddenly announcing his consciousness.

"Brother," Alphonse said in a tone that revealed if he could, he would be smiling in relief.

"After you're better, I will send you on supervised missions," Mustang said.

"Supervised?" Edward asked.

"You will be going with someone of my staff that has medical training." Mustang turned and walked out of the hospital room.

* * *

It was the next day when Riza Hawkeye showed up to Mustang's house. The colonel couldn't take more time off of work, and Riza hadn't used any vacation days. Edward had permanently confined himself to the couch and Hawkeye was doing her work at the dining table.

"Would you like some lunch, Edward?" Hawkeye asked. "The colonel left items for spaghetti."

"Sure," Ed said. The sooner he gained his strength, the sooner he could leave.

Riza worked her way into the kitchen and eventually brought out spaghetti – _Better than Mustang would have done, _Ed thought – placing it on the table for the teen.

"Please eat, Edward," Riza pleaded as she set the bowl down. She didn't have to because Ed was eating as soon as it was in his reach.

_You can control what you eat when Mustang lets you go, _Ed thought. Hawkeye smiled and returned to her work.

When Edward was finished, she kept an eye on him as he watched a movie from his blanket fort on the couch. He wasn't vomiting. That was good.

Edward fell asleep around noon due to his weakness and Riza was grateful. This meant she could call the colonel without the teen eavesdropping.

_"So he ate his lunch?" _Roy asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to start dinner before I go. You'll just need to take the chicken off the stove when you get home," the woman instructed.

_"You're not staying for dinner?"_

"I need to get to the office and turn in my papers before the night shift. I'll stay for dinner another time."

_"Okay, well, thank you for watching after Ed. I really appreciate it," _Roy thanked.

"It's no problem, he's a good kid. He just needs some help. Try and encourage him to talk to you whenever he feels the urge to vomit or cut himself. Or call Havoc."

_"Why Havoc?" _

"I've seen them talking; they get along well."

_"Maybe I'll invite Havoc over for dinner sometime," _Roy said.

"Good, he's a good companion for Ed. I have to go, he's starting to wake up."

_"Sure, thanks again." _With that, their conversation was over.

* * *

Ed woke in the middle of the night like he had been for the past week. Before it had been stomach pains that woke him. Now it was something different.

The urge.

_Do it, do it, do it. _

Edward crawled out of bed, noticing Alphonse in the corning, watching him.

"Brother?" the armor asked.

_Damn, no you have to get away from him, _the voice said.

"What are you doing, brother?" Al asked.

"I gotta drain the main vein, jeez," Ed fibbed. It was the only way to get away from him without the younger following.

"Do you want me to come with?" Al asked.

"Ew, no," Ed responded with a fake gag.

"Well, I don't want you to hurt yourself again, brother," Alphonse said. Ed paused. "Is that what you were going to do, brother?"

"I wasn't gonna go through with it."

"Brother, you have to talk to me about these things! If you don't tlak, there's no release."

"I wasn't going to do it, Al!"

"What's going on in here?" Mustang asked as he entered.

"Brother was going to cut himself," Alphonse said.

"No, I wasn't! I was going to pee, honest."

"He told me he was going to cut himself but that he wasn't going to go through with it," Al said.

"I never said I was going to cut myself, I _just _said that I wasn't going to go through with it," Edward admitted.

Roy sighed. "Ed…Hawkeye told me that you and Havoc got along well. Did you want me to call him?" the man asked.

"…No…" Ed trailed off. "I'm not ready to talk to him right now. And it's so late…I just want to sleep."

"All right, good night, Ed."

* * *

It was Friday, and every Friday night was poker night at the Mustang household. Mustang always invited Havoc, Breda, Falman, and Fuery, but he was thinking of cancelling or at least inviting Hawkeye to watch over Ed. He briefly thought about including Ed in the game, but knew the kid would just cheat him out of money.

The guys came over after work and Riza left after she made dinner. Ed was watching TV while the guys were by the pool outside, playing cards at a table outside. Alphonse stayed with Ed.

The Urge returned when Alphonse went into the kitchen to get Edward a second helping of dinner.

_Do it. Al's gone, do it. _A new voice then appeared. _Go tell Mustang how you feel. He'll help you._

Edward walked into the bathroom. He grabbed the shaving knife that was locked up – retrieving it with alchemy – and slipped past Alphonse to go outside where the men were.

"Edward? What's wrong?" Mustang asked when he noticed the teen.

"I want to cut myself."

The colonel wasn't sure he heard right. His blood ran cold. "What?"

"I want to cut myself."

The knife came to view near Ed's flesh wrist. Havoc was the first to react.

"Ed, you don't have to do this," the smoker said.

"I want to so bad," Edward said. "It's gonna feel so good."

"No it won't. Not anymore, Ed," Havoc said. He was slow to walk over to Edward and gently place a hand on the teen's flesh shoulder. "Listen to me; doing this won't change anything. It won't change what's causing the problem. This is a temporary solution," Havoc explained. He gently managed to pull the shaving knife from Ed's hands. He dropped the knife to the ground and pulled the teen into a hug. "You're okay, Ed. You're okay now."

Mustang watched the tears pour out of the teen's eyes and two small hands clutch the fabric of Havoc's shirt.

"We're going to help you. If you tell us the problem, we'll fix it for you."

"Hughes…" Edward choked out.

"Is that what this is about?"

Ed nodded. "It hurts, Havoc. It hurts so much."

"I know, kid. That's why you should be on your anti-depressants. Now is the worst time to stop taking them."

"I still want to cut, Havoc. The voice is so strong," Ed said.

"The voice?" Havoc asked. "You tell the voice to go screw himself. You're gonna live, dammit."

"Thanks, Havoc."

* * *

** Next Update:** April 22nd, 2015

**I wanted to announce that I have finished the last chapter of this story! It will be up at the end, of course. **


	29. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

"Here are your new antidepressants, Ed," Mustang said, handing the pill bottle to the teenager. "I'm trusting you to keep these pills, Edward. I trust you."

"I know," Ed said. He hadn't left his bed all day, confining himself to it since Havoc put him to bed after his breakdown.

"I invited Havoc to come today instead of Hawkeye. He has more hands on experience with this, and Hawkeye agreed to give him her vacation days she was using."

"Kay," Ed said.

"Take your first pill. The sooner you do this, the sooner you'll get better." Mustang ruffled Ed's hair before walking out to go to work. Havoc waited in the living room. He didn't want to force Edward to see him and he knew he did the right thing because Edward eventually emerged from the room. The first thing he noticed was the lack of his brother's presence.

"Where's Al?" Ed asked.

"He went to pick you up something special for lunch," Havoc answered.

"Oh…" Ed trailed off. He sat beside Havoc on the couch, twirling his pill bottle in his hand.

"You take your medicine?" Havoc asked. Edward nodded, shaking the bottle. There was no rattle, Havoc noticed.

The man took the bottle and opened it.

No pills.

"Did you flush them?" Havoc asked.

"I swallowed them."

It took a minute for the man to process this.

"All of them?" The teen nodded. "Oh, shit," Havoc muttered, grabbing Ed and forcing two fingers down his throat. The blonde boy vomited onto the living room floor and Havoc continued to force the boy to vomit. Ed was gagging and choking as the vomit came out.

"You're not going to die, Ed!" Havoc shouted. The military man lifted the teenager and threw him into the backseat of his car, driving him to the nearest hospital.

* * *

"Hello?" Mustang answered into his phone.

_"Boss?" _Havoc asked.

"He didn't have another breakdown, did he?"

_"He overdosed on his pills. He's in intensive care," _Havoc answered. _"The doctors are pumping his stomach now." _

"I'm on my way. Call my house and tell Alphonse to stay there. He doesn't need to see this." Mustang hung up and was on his way to the hospital.

Ed looked dead. That was the only way to describe it. The teenager was in a hospital bed with a tube down his throat and pale as a ghost. Mustang thought he _was _dead when he first arrived.

"I never should have given him those pills," Roy said quietly. "I should have let you watch him."

"There was no one forcing me not to watch him take those pills, boss," Havoc said. "We aren't to blame here. If Ed is seriously driven to hurt himself, we can't really stop him. We just have to help him heal when he's done the deed."

"How do you know so much about this?" Roy asked.

"My little sister was like this. It was a bad time for my family," Havoc answered.

"Is she better now? Does Ed have a chance?"

"Yeah, Ed has a chance."

Suddenly a doctor was walking inside and reading Ed's charts.

"I see…" the man said to himself. "Are you Roy Mustang?" the doctor asked Roy.

"I am," he answered.

"Edward has been here for half an hour and we've pumped his stomach. We believe that the medication is no longer is his system, but we want to keep him under observation for a few days in our psychiatric facility," the doctor explained.

"I understand," Mustang said. "While he's there, will you be giving him his medicine? I can't get him to take it properly at home."

"We will be giving him medication and our therapist will be looking out for him. If we do fel the need to do so, however, we may need to discuss permanent residency."

"I don't think that will be necessary," Roy objected. "Edward is of sound mind when he is on his medication. He was completely fine for a year until the death of a close friend triggered him over the edge."

"Yes, I heard about that from the man who brought him in. I also read your medical file, colonel. You'd think you would be more experienced in this subject."

"I would not like to speak of my personal matters with my charge's doctor. I have my own doctor that I speak to. You focus on Edward's health right now," Mustang said.

"Well, we're going to need you to sign some forms allowing us to keep him in our psychiatric facility once he comes to," the doctor explained, handing the colonel paperwork.

"I'll read it and let you know," Mustang said, taking the papers. He sat in a chair beside Ed's bed and began to read through the papers thoroughly.

There was no way a doctor was going to screw him into giving up _his _boy.

* * *

**New Update: **April 29th, 2015 _(My best friend's 19th birthday!)_

**Also, the next chapter will be the last one! Unless I decide to do an Epilogue, but I believe with the way I'm ending it, I won't need to add one, but you all let me know. **


	30. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29 **

_"Ed…" a familiar voice called out. "Listen to me, Ed." _

_Ed opened his eyes that no longer revealed a darkness. He looked around. This was Winry's house! It was slightly foggy in the house, though, and it looked different. _

_"Hey, Ed," the voice said again. Ed followed it and saw what he never believed. _

_It looked like an older version of himself. Long hair no longer resided in a braid, but remained in a ponytail. He was taller, more muscular, and most importantly, alive. _

_"I'm you, Ed. I'm Edward." Ed backed up, noticing they weren't alone in the house. There were two toddler twin boys sitting in the living room coloring on paper, and it sounded like Winry was in the kitchen cooking. "I know you're scared, Ed. I need to talk to you before you wake up," Edward said. _

_"How do I know you're really me?" Ed asked. Edward sighed and rolled up his sleeve. The scars were identical to the cuts and scars on Ed's arm. _

_"Oh shit…" Ed trailed off. _

_"I'm 24, and I'm married. I have two kids and we're hoping for more," Edward explained. _

_"You're married to Winry?" Ed asked. They were in Winry's house, after all. _

_"Yeah; and I'm going to college for psychology. I'm going to be a therapist," Edward said. "None of this will happen if you kill yourself." _

_"I don't want to be alive," Ed responded. _

_"I know," Edward smiled in a gentle way Ed himself had never done before. "Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. You're mostly upset because of Al's body, but you keep trying." _

_"Do you…we…ever get Al's body back?" Ed asked. _

_"We do." Edward placed a hand on Ed's shoulder. "We're eighteen when we get it back. Al's happily in Xing in my time with his girlfriend." _

_"Who's that?" Ed asked. _

_"Find out for yourself." Edward smirked in a more familiar way. "And tell that bastard colonel I said hi."_

* * *

When Edward woke, Roy was right there. Ed hadn't expected to wake up at all, but knew this was real because of the tube in his throat. Edward had dealt with this before, and allowed the tube to breathe for him.

"You're awake," Roy said. He had a relieved smile on his face. "I'll call the nurse to remove your tube." The colonel reached over and pressed the call button. A nurse walked in moments later and removed the tube. Once it was removed, Ed let out a scratchy cough. "You okay" Mustang asked.

"I wasn't supposed to wake up," Ed said, his voice hoarse from the tube.

"It's too bad we all like you so much, then," the colonel said. He then grew serious. "Edward, we need to talk about our next step."

"Next step" Ed asked.

"The doctor wants to transfer you to their psychiatric facility. I haven't signed the papers yet because I wanted to talk to you about it," the man explained.

"I don't want to go there again," Edward said.

"Why not?" Mustang asked.

"They smell weird, and the people are crazy, and they make you go to bed like a toddler, and wake you up batshit early," Ed explained.

"But they'll help you get better. If you want, I can go find another place for you. I'll find you a better one," Roy said.

Edward paused. What _did _he want? Did he want to go to a different hospital? He didn't _want _to feel these things anymore. He _knew _cutting would solve the problem.

"I don't want them to take my arm again," Ed said.

"I'll have the doctor not take any of your limbs without consent from me," Roy promised.

"Thank you."

* * *

Like the colonel promised, the doctors wouldn't take the automail limbs without his permission. The nurses had several requests to have the automail removed, but when Mustang asked for their reasoning, they claimed they feared for their safety, despite the fact that Edward had been a model patient.

Ed was put back on his antidepressants. At first he hated it, but after adjusted – well, he still hated it, but he was better about them.

"Edward," Dr. Cameron – Ed's therapist for the past three years, as well as his colleague now – started. He had the shoulders of a young boy in his grip. "This is Kevin. He's thirteen and has been self harming. I thought you would be the best person to understand what he's going through and to help him understand," he explained.

Ed smiled. At his mature age of 27, Ed had been long since recovered from his previous problems. "Hey, Kevin, why don't you sit down?" Edward suggested, gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.

After getting Al's body back, Ed had decided to go to college and to get a degree in psychology. He decided to become a therapist to help others with the same problems he had experienced. It all seemed like a lifetime ago now.

Winry helped with his recovery and him nearly relapsing when she became pregnant with their sons. Now, though, life was good and he would continue to help others.

Kevin sat down.

"What can I do to help you, Kevin?"

* * *

**So, like I announced before, this is the last chapter. There was actually quite a bit I still wanted to include in the story, so I'll maybe try to push everything I wanted into a little deleted scene extra. **

**It really helped me to write this story because when I began writing, I was recovering from self harm. I still am, but it's easier now than it was before, and I like to think all of your positive reviews have something to do with that.**

**It is also my friend's birthday today, so happy 19th birthday, Gypsy! And May 5th is my last day of high school! I graduate on May 10th, which my mom says is the best mothers day present she could get! :) See you guys on the other side when I happen to write something good enough.**


End file.
